# 74: MOTHER OR ACCIDENTAL KIDNAPPER?

PAGE # 74
Friday

12/23/11
3:00 am

Lily was hungry.  She cried out and I rolled over.  I pushed against Tom's arm. 

"Please, honey, please," I begged.  

But Tom would not budge.  Just before bed, he had taken my hands in his and encouraged me to participate more in Lily's care:

"I need you to help with Lily.  You've been avoiding her since we found out about Bobby signing the registry."

Tom was right.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," I said.  "I thought I could do this, I really did, but I can't!  I just can't!  It's too painful.  We can say we're foster parents, but are we?  We might be adopting Lily, and every time I hold her, I fall more in love with her.  But we might be giving her back to Kendra too and so I just can't get too close."

"And if that happens, then we're getting what we prayed for in the first place,"  Tom reminded me.  "This baby girl will get to grow up with her real mom and her big brothers."

"I know!  Of course, I know that!  I'm just trying to protect myself."

Tom sighed.

"Look, Jen, we are not in this to protect ourselves.  We need to give Lily all our love right now whether she is going to be adopted by us or go back to Kendra.  She deserves at least that much."

"I don't know if I can do that.  It's getting too painful."

"It's not about us.  We can't worry about our own feelings right now.  And anyway, she's a baby.  I love babies.  I love all babies," Tom said.  "It doesn't matter if a baby's not mine or not going to be mine.  I can love this baby no matter what.  But I need your help!  You need to help!  We signed up for this together and we need to see this through."

I started to cry.

"Tom, I can't.  I just can't bear to hold her anymore."

"You barely even looked at her all day!"

"I know.  I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry."

Tom had been understanding but firm with me:

"I love you and I know it's hard but you can do this.  You are waking up for the next feeding.  Take Lily to sit by the Christmas tree when you feed her.  She loves to look at the Christmas lights in the middle of the night."

And so, when Lily's cries started to gain more volume, I pushed myself out of bed.  I carried Lily into the family room and turned on the Christmas lights.  I snuggled her close, and saw that Tom was right:  Lily was mesmerized by the tree.  I studied her face as she gazed at the decorations.  I started to cry again, but I forced myself to keep looking.  I watched Lily fall back asleep and kissed her nose.  I sat like that for awhile, not sure who I was anymore.  Mother?  Babysitter?  Mother?  Foster parent?

What would Bobby the biological father think?

I imagined that from his point of view, I would appear to be a kidnapper.

I felt sick.  I carried Lily back to our bedroom, placed her in the bassinet as  quickly as I could without waking her, and hurried back to bed.  I couldn't wait to sleep, to forget, to find some kind of respite in my slumber.

To Be Continued...

# 73: TEXT MESSAGE TRANSCRIPT

PAGE # 73
Thursday

12/22/11
9:55 pm

Everyone was curious about our situation.  I was inundated with calls, text messages, and emails from supportive friends.  And Tracey, our friend who had adopted Ricky through the same attorney, was in constant contact with me.  The following is a transcript of the text messages that passed between us late that night.  

Tracey:  Any updates?

I summarized my earlier conversation with Shelley and described my immediate feelings:

Me:  I don't mind fostering Lily for a month, but I cannot deal with this for a year or more, etc.  I was not doing well at all today.

Tracey:  No!  I don't blame u at all.  I guess wait it out for a month and see where u r???

Me:  Problem is the ongoing nature.  I asked Shelley about the Evan Scott case, and she said she never heard of it.  It was played out on the media, this is her field, there is no way she didn't hear of it!  Happened in Florida!  So that is frustrating too.

Tracey:  Is Shelley hinting for u to get out [of this adoption]? 

Me:  No.  [But] even after the 30 days expire [for the birthfather to contest], it could take another week or so to hear from the court if the birth father filed to contest.  I'd personally like Shelley to contact birth father directly and find out his deal.  Maybe he just wants to know his kid is getting placed with a good family?  Maybe he wants something else?  Who knows?  But Shelley said she wouldn't exercise that route until he completes 3 steps in 30 days.

Tracey:  So what do u think the birthfather's intent is?  Is she [Shelley] saying to wait to see what he does and if he is serious?  Or he simply doesn't know enough to do more?  If the next step is to give her [Kendra] money, why hasn't he yet?

I didn't answer Tracey's questions because I was already typing out this next paragraph:

Me:  Better to give baby back to Kendra, in my opinion, than to risk heartache for Lily and all of us.  This is the stuff Lifetime movies are made of.  I do not want to be the subject of a Lifetime movie!  But we will wait out the 30 days.  If contested, we will get out then.  But, we will be more in love with baby by then too, so is definitely not easy.  Baby is adorable.  Birth mom sent me lovely email yesterday.  Sara starting to act out a bit.  TJ is anxiety ridden.  I ate 10 pounds of Christmas cookies--no joke.  Tom is so in love with this baby--I feel like I'm a little more cautious emotionally than he is.  Poor little baby.

Tracey:  I don't blame you.  When it's meant to be, it will be.  You guys don't need to put yourself thru any legal battles.  It's not necessary.  I feel horrible for Kendra!  First she has to to give her baby up, which is the hardest thing ever, then some loser who abused her is going to make it so she gets the baby back and probably ruin her marriage!

Me:  Yes, that's exactly what he'd be doing.  I'm sure he doesn't care about the baby.  Just wants to ruin adoption to mess up Kendra's life.  Very sad.

Tracey:  Like I said before, if nothing else, you did the best deed of your lifetime.  It will be sad, but you will bounce back.  We lost 18k to some crack whore the first time.  Plus, I was so very desperate to have a baby then, I was heartbroken.  I recovered and adopting Ricky is the best thing I ever did.

Me:  Yes, we have to look at it like that.  Just I'm afraid we'll get attached and lured deeper in and then really be at risk.  So a part of me has to stay a little reserved so that I can plan to just get out if he objects in the 30 day time frame.

Tracey:  It's so sad for Lily.  What a way to start out a life???  Just give her as much love as possible now, no matter what happens...it's the most important thing.  

Me:  Tom said tonight that we could stick thru hearing, but that could take months to get to.  Then, what if he appeals?  Lily could be a year old by then.  Devastating for all and for Sara and TJ too.  I really think we have to get out at the first point if he contests, but Shelley is sooo confident it would be ok.  Is like gambling with all our hearts. 

Tracey:  No.  That's too much on your family.  It's not just you guys, but Sara and TJ too.  

Me:  I need to get refocused.  My bills are piled high, my tasks are far behind.  I've barely even wrapped one Christmas gift.  I am finding it very hard to function normally.  Plus, I'm exhausted taking care of three kids!  Which would be great if I could actually enjoy it.  Look up the Evan Scott case.  That bio dad allegedly abused bio mom during pregnancy too.  We just have to think of this as a good deed for the 30 days. 

Tracey:  This is a pretty big deal.  U need to look at this as fostering right now. Personally, I think it will turn out okay, but how long do you want to stick it out for?  That's the question.  I think I could be okay because I don't get attached that quickly. 

Me:  I'm just afraid of getting lured in deeper.  Tom just exclaimed, "Lily's smiling!"  I told him not to look.  Getting very hard for me.  

Tracey:  Have your limits in place.  Time, money, etc.  I know this sounds harsh, but if it doesn't work with this baby, it will with another.  That's the beauty of adoption.  No doubt, adoption is stressful no matter how you slice it though.

Me:  Yes, I think we have to have clear limits.  Alright, gotta go sleep now, thanks.  Talk to you later.

*** 

I am so grateful that I have real-time records in the form of text messages, emails, and journal notes.  These aid not only in helping me tell this story in accurate detail, but also provide insight into my mental state at the time.

In the above text message transcript, I see recorded proof of my complicated struggle to understand the birthfather's possible motives.  I was all over the place in my assumptions.  In one of the above recorded text messages, I wrote, "I'm sure he doesn't care about the baby.  Just wants to ruin adoption to mess up Kendra's life."  But just moments earlier, during that very same exchange with Tracey, I had written, "Maybe he just wants to know his kid is getting placed with a good family?  Maybe he wants something else?  Who knows?"

Having no magical powers, I could assume nothing.  Sure, I would try on possible motives like garments in a dressing room.  But I never bought any of them.  What I needed was a face-to-face meeting with Lily's biological father.  Just as I had insisted on meeting Kendra, I needed to meet Bobby.  But the attorney would not allow that yet.  As my text message record shows, "Shelley said she wouldn't exercise that route until he completes 3 steps in 30 days."

To Be Continued...