# 23: TOUGH & TABOO TOPICS

PAGE # 23

Sunday

12/11/11

Mid-afternoon

TJ, our 16 year old, looked miserable.  

"What if I don't love the new baby as much as I love Sara?" he asked me.

"You mean because she's not going to be your biological sister?  Or just because you don't know if you can ever love another sister as much as Sara?"

TJ looked down.  "The first thing.  But I feel really bad about it."

"Honey," I said.  "Remember when I was pregnant with Sara?  Well, I was worried I wouldn't love her as much as I already loved you.  But when she was born, my heart just grew bigger."

"Yeah," TJ said.  "But this is still different."  

"Well, that's true.  It is very different."  

"And Gordon said something really awful about the baby.  It's so mean, I don't even know if I should tell you!"

Gordon was a waiter at one of our favorite restaurants.  

"I don't want you to get upset!" TJ exclaimed. 

TJ was pacing back and forth, something he always does when he's angry or frustrated.  He inherited this trait from Tom.  I, on the other hand, prefer to snuggle into a cozy spot with a pillow.

"Come on, sit down with me." I patted the couch.

TJ stopped pacing but he didn't sit.  He explained what had happened at lunch:

"Dad told Gordon about the adoption, and at first he seemed real nice about it.  But then, when Dad went to the bathroom, Gordon said that adopting the baby would be like buying a kid at Babies R' Us!  And that it was good because at least if we didn't like the baby--we could always return her!"

I wanted to punch Gordon.  

"And there's more!" TJ continued.  "This old lady was there, at the table right next to me, and she heard it too.  Even she yelled at Gordon that he was nasty!"  TJ finally collapsed onto the sofa.  I patted his back.  "And now I'm worried that we won't love the baby.  All because of that stupid Gordon!"

"That was a terrible thing to say to you.  And cowardly too," I added.  "He probably wouldn't say that in front of me or your dad, but I'm sure he realized you'd come and tell us."

Gordon's assault violated the humanity of everyone impacted by this adoption.  I thought of the baby and her already tragic beginning.  Of Kendra and her two little boys.  Of my two children who were trying to navigate the unexpected arrival of a little sister who would not share their genetic make-up.  Of my best friend, Crystal, who was adopted at the age of five after living in multiple foster homes, including an institutional setting.  


But although Gordon had made a terrible comment, it did give TJ an opportunity to bring up a taboo subject--would love for an adopted member of the family be the same as for a biological member?  I bet most people do wonder about it, even if it's not the politically correct thing to discuss openly.


TJ had other worries too: 

"And the other day, someone asked me what we're going to do if the mom wants the baby back?  What if we fall in love with the baby and then we have to give her back?  Then what?"

"That is something that I warned you about," I admitted.  "It's a possibility because the birth father hasn't signed off on the paperwork."

"So, he might take the baby away?" TJ asked.

"No, honey," I said.  "If the biological dad contests the adoption, then Kendra is going to take the baby back.  But she is adamant that the dad wants nothing to do with the baby."

"But what if Kendra decides that she wants her baby back?  Jim said she can't get the baby back after she leaves the hospital.  That the law in our state is really protective of adoptive families."

"TJ," I explained.  "Just because something is legal doesn't mean it's right.  If we take the baby home, and then Kendra changes her mind the next day, we will definitely give her the baby back."

"But what if she changes her mind a month later?"

"I think we would return the baby and hope to be included in their lives in the future."

"But what if she wants the baby back in a year from now?  Two years from now?"

"I think that would be different," I said.

"So, at what point in time do we know that it's okay to keep the baby, even if Kendra wants her back?"

"I don't know, honey."  And I really didn't.

TJ posed an excellent, if challenging, question.  There's always debate around contemporary moral issues and where to draw the line.  I was stumped.  But only on a philosophical level because I strongly believed that Kendra would be keeping this baby.

"It's really hard for me," TJ said again.  "Because how am I supposed to let myself get attached to her if I don't know if I am going to lose her?"

Another good question.

"And I feel like I'm not as important in the process either.  Like with Sara, I came to the ultrasounds and stuff.  But now, you and dad are talking about Kendra, and I haven't even met her."

"You're right, TJ, you are," I admitted.  "I want you to meet Kendra.  But I also don't want to intrude on Kendra's privacy.  I don't even know if she ever wants to talk to me again," I said.  "I'll ask the social worker about this tomorrow.  I'm sorry, honey, but that's the best I can give you right now.  I have a lot to think about too."

TJ seemed okay after our talk, at least for that evening.  I was definitely worried about him and Sara.  About what kind of impact this adoption would have on them.  During our home study, I had brought it up with Paula, the social worker.  What if we took a baby home, and then had to return her?  Was it fair to the two kids we already had to take such a risk?


The social worker had been super encouraging:

"Your kids are at the two perfect ages for this.  Sara is only two--she's not going to understand or remember any of this if the adoption doesn't work out.  And what an amazing opportunity this is going to be for your teenager!  Whatever happens, he is going to witness his parents doing a wonderful thing for a baby.  And for a birth mother in a very bad situation.  He's old enough to handle this and your little one is young enough."

Paula seemed to know what she was talking about.  She never even hesitated when I posed tough questions.  Adoption was her area of expertise.  And even though adoption was not my clinical specialty, I used to practice psychotherapy as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker.  We had the same degree in common.  Talking with Paula was like finding another American when lost in some foreign land.  The attorney was horrible, but Paula seemed to speak my language.  So, I trusted her.  Simple as that.

# 18: IF ADOPTION WERE A JIGSAW PUZZLE...

PAGE # 18

Wednesday

12/7/11
The Rest of the Day
(after meeting the biological mother)


Tom and I could find nothing unappealing about the birth mother or her husband.  In fact, we liked them.  We didn't want Kendra to give away her baby girl--even though we were hoping to adopt the very same baby! 


We each had a severe case of cognitive dissonance.  It hurt.  We probably should have done something fun for the rest of the day; instead, we treated the situation like a giant jigsaw puzzle.  If we could arrange all the pieces of information regarding this adoption into a coherent picture, then perhaps we would better understand our role in the grand scheme of it all:  Were we supposed to adopt this child (thank you Kendra!) or were we supposed to help Kendra keep her baby somehow?


Of course, putting the puzzle together was secondary to having the actual puzzle pieces.  We had some, lacked others, and a few didn't seem to fit into the picture at all.


THE PUZZLE PIECES WE HAD PRIOR TO MEETING KENDRA & JOHNNY:

1. Kendra was pregnant with a baby girl.  This child was not her husband's baby.  The baby was conceived while Kendra and her husband were officially separated.
2. The alleged birth father had been Kendra's boyfriend while she was separated from her husband.  They dated for several months.
3. Kendra broke up with bio dad.  This happened after bio dad allegedly assaulted her.
4. Kendra had a restraining order against bio dad and he had also been arrested for the alleged assault.

THE PUZZLE PIECES WE LACKED PRIOR TO MEETING KENDRA & JOHNNY:

1. Kendra was about to have this baby any day.  Why was she looking for a prospective adoptive family at the final hour?
2. Was placing the baby for adoption a condition of Johnny (the husband) reconciling with his wife?
3. Did bio dad have any interest in parenting this child?
4. Had the baby been exposed to alcohol/drugs during the pregnancy (perhaps this was why Kendra didn't want to parent the child?)

THE PUZZLE PIECES WE GRABBED DURING OUR MEETING WITH KENDRA & JOHNNY (i.e. the answers to the above questions):

1. Kendra claimed that she was not choosing adoption at the final hour.  She had hoped to place the baby with a relative.  This plan collapsed, according to Kendra, because said relative could not afford the necessary legal fees to formally adopt the baby.  Also, Kendra had started to feel uneasy about the prospect of seeing the baby at family holidays and events.  It might be too weird.  
2. Johnny claimed that he would raise the baby, alongside their other two children, if only they could afford to do so.  Since their income was dependent on Johnny's family business (Kendra's in-laws), it sounded as if there might be financial consequences if Johnny took back his wife and the baby.  At one point during the meeting, Kendra even stated that they would be placing this baby for adoption even if Johnny (the husband) was the father.  Even if there had been no break-up, no boyfriend, no other man involved in the baby's conception.
3. Kendra was adamant that bio dad did not want this baby.  But then she revealed that bio dad was making suicidal threats on Facebook because of the adoption plan.  She claimed this was an act; that he was "all talk."  She added that bio dad had insisted on an abortion, and when she refused to terminate the pregnancy, he became abusive.  At first verbally, then physically.  But he wasn't scary!  He was just a spoiled brat who liked to party.  And he was often drunk.
4. Kendra claimed she had stopped drinking alcohol and quit smoking when she realized she was pregnant (about 10 weeks).  She reassured us that her drinking was limited to "social drinking on the weekends only."

THE PUZZLE PIECES THAT DIDN'T SEEM TO FIT IN:

1. The claim that the baby was being placed for financial reasons, and for financial reasons alone, seemed strange.  Kendra and Johnny said they'd still be choosing adoption, even if the baby had been Johnny's child.  This seemed highly unlikely.  Kendra and Johnny came from financially stable (even well off) backgrounds.  Tom and I worried that Kendra was being coerced by her in laws (if not directly, then through Johnny).
2. Was bio dad really just a big immature goon?  If he had assaulted a pregnant woman, wasn't he pretty bad? 

THE PUZZLE PIECE WE LACKED COMPLETELY:

1. The biological father.  All we knew about him came from Kendra and the adoption attorney.  Johnny claimed he'd never met him; never even seen him.  What was bio dad's side of the story?  

The picture just didn't add up.  Ultimately, Tom and I could not understand why Kendra wanted to give away her baby girl.  We consulted our friends again--Tracey and Jim--the ones who had adopted (their son Ricky) only two years prior.

"You're never going to understand Kendra's decision," Jim told me.  "You're not in her situation and you don't even know all the details of her situation.  You only know what she's telling you and you'll never know how much of it is true, left out, or mere lies.  That's just how it is with adoption."

Tracey agreed with her husband.  "There is no perfect adoption," she said.  

I was uneasy until Tom reminded me of our rescheduled home study for the following day.  (In order for anyone to adopt in this country, they must be assessed and found competent by a licensed social worker.)

"Perhaps we'll feel better after we get a chance to process this with a mental health professional," Tom suggested.

I hoped so.  I was actually looking forward to the social worker's involvement, especially as I was once a clinical social worker myself.  I figured she might be the one trustworthy professional in this adoption business.