# 73: TEXT MESSAGE TRANSCRIPT

PAGE # 73
Thursday

12/22/11
9:55 pm

Everyone was curious about our situation.  I was inundated with calls, text messages, and emails from supportive friends.  And Tracey, our friend who had adopted Ricky through the same attorney, was in constant contact with me.  The following is a transcript of the text messages that passed between us late that night.  

Tracey:  Any updates?

I summarized my earlier conversation with Shelley and described my immediate feelings:

Me:  I don't mind fostering Lily for a month, but I cannot deal with this for a year or more, etc.  I was not doing well at all today.

Tracey:  No!  I don't blame u at all.  I guess wait it out for a month and see where u r???

Me:  Problem is the ongoing nature.  I asked Shelley about the Evan Scott case, and she said she never heard of it.  It was played out on the media, this is her field, there is no way she didn't hear of it!  Happened in Florida!  So that is frustrating too.

Tracey:  Is Shelley hinting for u to get out [of this adoption]? 

Me:  No.  [But] even after the 30 days expire [for the birthfather to contest], it could take another week or so to hear from the court if the birth father filed to contest.  I'd personally like Shelley to contact birth father directly and find out his deal.  Maybe he just wants to know his kid is getting placed with a good family?  Maybe he wants something else?  Who knows?  But Shelley said she wouldn't exercise that route until he completes 3 steps in 30 days.

Tracey:  So what do u think the birthfather's intent is?  Is she [Shelley] saying to wait to see what he does and if he is serious?  Or he simply doesn't know enough to do more?  If the next step is to give her [Kendra] money, why hasn't he yet?

I didn't answer Tracey's questions because I was already typing out this next paragraph:

Me:  Better to give baby back to Kendra, in my opinion, than to risk heartache for Lily and all of us.  This is the stuff Lifetime movies are made of.  I do not want to be the subject of a Lifetime movie!  But we will wait out the 30 days.  If contested, we will get out then.  But, we will be more in love with baby by then too, so is definitely not easy.  Baby is adorable.  Birth mom sent me lovely email yesterday.  Sara starting to act out a bit.  TJ is anxiety ridden.  I ate 10 pounds of Christmas cookies--no joke.  Tom is so in love with this baby--I feel like I'm a little more cautious emotionally than he is.  Poor little baby.

Tracey:  I don't blame you.  When it's meant to be, it will be.  You guys don't need to put yourself thru any legal battles.  It's not necessary.  I feel horrible for Kendra!  First she has to to give her baby up, which is the hardest thing ever, then some loser who abused her is going to make it so she gets the baby back and probably ruin her marriage!

Me:  Yes, that's exactly what he'd be doing.  I'm sure he doesn't care about the baby.  Just wants to ruin adoption to mess up Kendra's life.  Very sad.

Tracey:  Like I said before, if nothing else, you did the best deed of your lifetime.  It will be sad, but you will bounce back.  We lost 18k to some crack whore the first time.  Plus, I was so very desperate to have a baby then, I was heartbroken.  I recovered and adopting Ricky is the best thing I ever did.

Me:  Yes, we have to look at it like that.  Just I'm afraid we'll get attached and lured deeper in and then really be at risk.  So a part of me has to stay a little reserved so that I can plan to just get out if he objects in the 30 day time frame.

Tracey:  It's so sad for Lily.  What a way to start out a life???  Just give her as much love as possible now, no matter what happens...it's the most important thing.  

Me:  Tom said tonight that we could stick thru hearing, but that could take months to get to.  Then, what if he appeals?  Lily could be a year old by then.  Devastating for all and for Sara and TJ too.  I really think we have to get out at the first point if he contests, but Shelley is sooo confident it would be ok.  Is like gambling with all our hearts. 

Tracey:  No.  That's too much on your family.  It's not just you guys, but Sara and TJ too.  

Me:  I need to get refocused.  My bills are piled high, my tasks are far behind.  I've barely even wrapped one Christmas gift.  I am finding it very hard to function normally.  Plus, I'm exhausted taking care of three kids!  Which would be great if I could actually enjoy it.  Look up the Evan Scott case.  That bio dad allegedly abused bio mom during pregnancy too.  We just have to think of this as a good deed for the 30 days. 

Tracey:  This is a pretty big deal.  U need to look at this as fostering right now. Personally, I think it will turn out okay, but how long do you want to stick it out for?  That's the question.  I think I could be okay because I don't get attached that quickly. 

Me:  I'm just afraid of getting lured in deeper.  Tom just exclaimed, "Lily's smiling!"  I told him not to look.  Getting very hard for me.  

Tracey:  Have your limits in place.  Time, money, etc.  I know this sounds harsh, but if it doesn't work with this baby, it will with another.  That's the beauty of adoption.  No doubt, adoption is stressful no matter how you slice it though.

Me:  Yes, I think we have to have clear limits.  Alright, gotta go sleep now, thanks.  Talk to you later.

*** 

I am so grateful that I have real-time records in the form of text messages, emails, and journal notes.  These aid not only in helping me tell this story in accurate detail, but also provide insight into my mental state at the time.

In the above text message transcript, I see recorded proof of my complicated struggle to understand the birthfather's possible motives.  I was all over the place in my assumptions.  In one of the above recorded text messages, I wrote, "I'm sure he doesn't care about the baby.  Just wants to ruin adoption to mess up Kendra's life."  But just moments earlier, during that very same exchange with Tracey, I had written, "Maybe he just wants to know his kid is getting placed with a good family?  Maybe he wants something else?  Who knows?"

Having no magical powers, I could assume nothing.  Sure, I would try on possible motives like garments in a dressing room.  But I never bought any of them.  What I needed was a face-to-face meeting with Lily's biological father.  Just as I had insisted on meeting Kendra, I needed to meet Bobby.  But the attorney would not allow that yet.  As my text message record shows, "Shelley said she wouldn't exercise that route until he completes 3 steps in 30 days."

To Be Continued...  

# 72: LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!

PAGE # 72
Thursday

12/22/11
Approximately 11:00 am

Tom was in charge of the kids while I tried to understand our confusing and complicated situation.  I spent over an hour on the phone with the attorney.  The uncertain future of our adoption situation overwhelmed me with anxiety.  The attorney, in contrast, showed little concern.

"I think you're overreacting," Shelley began.  "Like I told you yesterday, he hasn't even completed all the steps to contest the adoption."

"I understand that, I do, but what I'm trying to understand is why he would sign the registry if he weren't planning to complete the other steps?  I mean, is there some other reason, besides planning to contest an adoption, that would cause a birthfather to sign the registry?  If not, then I really think we ought to start preparing for a contested adoption."

Shelley sighed.  "I think it's too premature to even think like that right now."

"I need to think like this.  I need to prepare for all the possibilities."

"If you are worried about getting too attached to the baby, I could hire a nanny to watch her at my house," Shelley offered.  "I'd charge you a minimal fee for the childcare."

"That's not fair to Lily," I replied.  I couldn't imagine handing Lily over to some unknown babysitter.  "We're trying to give her the best start she can get, whether we end up adopting her or not."

"Okay then," Shelley said.  "But just know that the offer still stands if you change your mind."

"I'm not going to change my mind about that.  I'm just trying to psychologically prepare."

"Look, even if that interloper does follow through and contest--which is highly unlikely--we don't just give up.  I'd file a motion to terminate his parental rights.  Of course, the judge would need to grant due process and give him his day in court.  But he'd never get the baby."

My head was spinning.  Sure, it was all hypothetical then.  But Shelley spoke as if we were simply making alternate travel arrangements in the event of inclement weather.  This was no vacation!  There were lives and families at stake!  

I tried to comfort myself with the following thoughts:

It won't come to a legal battle anyway.  We have a back-up plan.  Kendra takes the baby back if the adoption gets contested.  

But then new worries emerged:  

"What if the birthfather doesn't contest the adoption within the 30 days but does so a year from now?"  I asked Shelley.

"Exactly one year after the adoption is finalized, no one can contest it for any reason."

"But it will take another 6 months to finalize!  That's a full year and a half from now!  Are you saying we could live with this kind of uncertainty for that long?"

"That's highly unlikely.  My adoptions are almost never contested."

"Well, how many of them are?"

"Not many.  And I've won all of those cases anyway."

"What about the case of Evan Scott?  I was reading about it all night.  His case got dragged out for years."

"I never heard of that case."

"You can't be serious!" I exclaimed.  "It was right here in Florida.  My friends who have nothing to do with adoption remember the news coverage."

"Well, I don't know of that case."

"But it shows there is a possibility that an adoption case could get drawn out for years!  And that there's no way to predict the court ruling!"

"I don't know the case, but it was probably just a matter of shitty lawyering.  I really wish you'd start reading my cases instead.  You need to read up on my "Baby A" case.  I won it at the Supreme Court level.  You needn't be worried."

"Oh my God!  I don't want to end up in the Supreme Court!"

"That's highly unlikely.  It's highly unlikely he'll even contest the adoption.  In a few weeks, we'll know for sure when his time runs out."

I didn't believe Shelley for a second.  She had to know of the Evan Scott case.  It had been local news and pertained to her area of legal practice.  What a liar!  

My hand was sore from clenching the phone.  My chest felt even tighter, and my heart was beating more rapidly than if I'd just run a race.

I did not trust our attorney.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire!

This childhood phrase came to mind, and led me to my next thought:

I want to fire our attorney.

But I didn't know if that was even possible.  She had claimed to represent us--not Kendra and not the baby.  And even though Lily was in our care, she had been legally relinquished to the attorney.  The attorney was, in fact, her legal guardian at the moment.  We had no legal claim to Lily.  And if I tried to hire a new attorney, what would happen to Lily then?

To Be Continued...

# 71: THE CASE OF EVAN SCOTT

                        Evan Scott's case took years in court!

PAGE # 71
Wednesday

12/21/11
Evening till late at night!


I was on a research mission.  Armed with my computer and a tub of Christmas cookies, I spent hours on Google trying to find information on contested adoption cases.  I found the case of Evan Scott, and this particular adoption disaster seemed to heed a warning, especially as some of the initial circumstances surrounding the child's early relinquishment seemed to mirror our situation:

1)  Evan's biological mother was physically abused by the birthfather during the pregnancy.  According to reports, she was even hospitalized following the attack.  The biological father was arrested.

In our case, Kendra claimed to have been physically assaulted by bio-dad during pregnancy.  Bio-dad was still awaiting his day in court to face these charges.

2)  Evan Scott got placed with prospective adoptive parents immediately following his birth.  The bio dad contested the adoption, but the prospective adoptive parents pursued a legal battle and retained custody of Evan during the lengthy court proceedings.

In our case, bio-dad had not officially contested the adoption, but he had signed the putative father registry.  I imagined he would complete all necessary steps to contest the adoption altogether.  

3)  Reports indicate that Evan Scott was to return to his birthmother if the adoption got contested.  (Please note that some news reports claim that no such plan was ever made between the birthmother and the prospective adoptive parents).

In our case, we had the very same plan!  Kendra would take Lily back if bio-dad contested the adoption.

4)  In the Evan Scott case, it seems the prospective adoptive parents did not simply return Evan to his natural mother once the bio-dad contested the adoption (and he did so within his legal time frame).  The birthmother wanted her son returned, but the case went to court and took OVER THREE AND A HALF YEARS to be decided.  To watch video footage of Evan's return to his natural mother, click here.

In our case, I had every intention of returning Lily to Kendra if bio-dad contested the adoption.  That was the plan.  

5)  Evan Scott would not even remain with his bio-mother.  He would go on to get abused by his stepfather; in turn, Evan's biological father would finally get custody of him in the spring of 2006, when Evan reached the age of five!

In our case, there was NO WAY I would allow Baby Lily to suffer even the possibility of getting thrown around for years.  NO WAY.  If bio-dad contested the adoption, I would be sad, but I would return her to Kendra.  She had two older half-brothers waiting for her.

6)  The Evan Scott case occurred in our home state.  There was, in fact, recent legal precedent of a child getting returned to the natural family after YEARS of court proceedings.  I planned to ask Shelley about the Evan Scott case the following morning.  

To Be Continued...

***

For more information on the case of Evan Scott, please see the following links:

Click here

And here

Also here

# 70: "I AM THE DADDY!"

PAGE # 70
Wednesday

12/21/11
Approximately 5:30 pm


I was wrapping Christmas presents when Shelley called: 

"I don't have good news."

"Okay," I said and waited to hear it.

"The interloper has signed the putative father registry."

It took me a moment to decipher the attorney's words.

"The bio dad signed the registry?  Meaning he has legally documented that he believes he is the father of Lily?" I asked for clarification.

"Yes."

"So what does this mean?"

"Well, it means he's trying to mess things up for Kendra.  He doesn't want this baby--he's just trying to mess up her life!"

"But maybe he really does want his baby?"  

I could practically see Shelley scowl over the phone.  Her words sounded like they maneuvered through a tight grimace; moreover, Shelley's tone indicated disgust with me:

"Now.  Wait a minute.  There is no evidence that he actually wants his baby.  Why would he want this baby?  Why would he want to support a child--he's a young guy."

"Maybe he just wants his baby cause it's his baby?"

"Now hold on, Jennifer!  If he wanted his baby, he would've done everything he needed to do to stop the adoption from happening.  It's not that hard.  He needed to to do three things.  Signing the putative father registry is only one of the three steps."

Shelley was becoming more and more agitated with my line of questioning.  And I was paying $500 an hour for these phone sessions!  Still, I pressed on:

"Okay, Shelley.  Please remind me of the other two steps then."

"As I've already told you...he needed to give her money to demonstrate financial support during the pregnancy.  He hasn't given her a penny!  All he'd need to do is send her a check for a hundred bucks, but he's sent nothing!"

"What if he sent her money but Kendra never got it?  And doesn't she have a restraining order against him?  Is he even allowed to send her mail?"

"Jennifer!  It's not just the money!  He also needs to submit a signed affidavit attesting to his ability and intent to raise a child!  He has not done that!"

"Is it possible that he doesn't know what he needs to do?"

"He was served legal papers before Lily's birth!  Everything he needed to know was in those papers!"

I thought about legal paperwork.  It's often confusing and difficult to read.

"Please bear with me Shelley, but is it possible that he was unable to fully comprehend the paperwork?"

"Well, then he could have sought his own legal counsel."

"Maybe he doesn't have the money to hire an attorney?"

"Jennifer!  You are not the lawyer here.  Please, you need to relax and let me handle the lawyering.  There is no way that man is ever getting this baby!  No way!  It's the letter of the law!"

To Be Continued...    

# 69: STAYING CONNECTED TO BABY'S BIRTHMOTHER (REVISED POST)

PAGE # 69
Wednesday

12/21/11
Morning

I got up feeling refreshed after a pretty decent night's sleep.  Baby Lily woke for feedings after generous blocks of time--at least 4 hours--and Tom and I split the work 50/50.  She was the easiest baby we ever had.

I couldn't wait to write Kendra, but when I sat down at my computer that morning, I felt immobilized.  What was okay/not okay to write to Lily's birthmother? Ultimately, I followed the recommended adoption etiquette by adhering to the social worker's script for "chatting with your baby's birthmother."  At exactly 10:10 am, I sent this email to Kendra:

Baby Lily continues to do great!  She is an awesome eater and drinks her formula like a champion.  She is pretty sleepy much of the time--the pediatrician said to expect a lot more sleep with formula.  The Dr. was very pleased that she got the colostrum too.  Her color continues to look great--with her rosy and fair complexion, she totally blends in with all of us.  She is a great baby!

I hope your OBGYN appointment went well, and that your breast infection is getting better fast.  Did they start you on the antibiotics?

All the best,

Jennifer :)

I checked my email constantly until a response arrived from Kendra at 11:09 am.  Her note was upbeat and thankful, and she expressed only positive sentiments.  It was filled with all good news:

1)  Her breast infection was much improved.
2)  Her in-laws called to invite her along on their Christmas vacation.  She accepted and would be traveling in a few days.
3)  She expressed deep gratitude and thanks toward Tom and I (Shelley too) and was pleased with how everything had turned out, including that she remained connected to us.

My reaction to Kendra's letter was a happy one, but I was also surprised that Kendra would be traveling soon.  Johnny had planned to cancel the annual holiday with his parents; apparently, he had not.  Although the in-laws ended up inviting Kendra along (the original plan did not include Kendra and meant she would be spending Christmas alone without her husband, either of her two boys, or her just relinquished newborn), I considered this a defeat for Kendra.  In the hospital, before her husband had agreed to cancel the trip altogether, Kendra had shared that she didn't want to travel, even if she were to be invited along:

"His family is super fancy.  They go to restaurants where we have to get all dressed up.  I wouldn't be feeling up to that even if I were invited.  I'm exhausted.  I just don't want to be without my boys for Christmas."

Now, Kendra would be packing for a trip less than a week after giving birth!  With a breast infection on top of it all!  After giving away her baby!

I thought it was all too much.

But...the last two paragraphs of Kendra's email were reassuring and comforting.  I felt good after reading them.  Now, I wonder whether Kendra was getting any coaching from the attorney and/or social worker on her end.  Maybe someone had given her some instruction on "how to talk to your baby's prospective adoptive parents after relinquishment!" 

Or...perhaps Kendra was trying to please us, trying to remain a "good" birthmother lest we cut off all contact with her?

As the day progressed, I reread Kendra's email--to myself, to Tom, to my mother, to various friends.  Kendra's words rolled easily off my tongue:

"I hope everything continues to go well!"

Things would not.



To Be Continued...
  

# 68: MY BLOGGING PROBLEM...

PAGE # 68
Monday
3/11/13
Right Now!

Dear Reader,

I recently updated my blog only to take down my latest post.  Some people have tried to click a link to it, only to find the new post is gone.  Moreover, I haven't updated further because I am stuck pondering an ethical issue (and a potentially legal one).

I had initially published one of "Kendra's" emails to me.  It didn't feel right, however, sharing her exact words; moreover, I'm not sure it's even legally okay to reproduce someone's personal email message on a blog.  So--I took the post down.

But...now I am struggling with how to proceed.  Obviously, I could simply paraphrase Kendra's emails in future posts.  On the other hand, there are parts of those emails where her wording is important to the story.  So, I am unsure how to go on.

Any advice?  Feedback on legal/ethical issues?  Please feel free to offer suggestions/knowledge.

Thanks for reading,
Jennifer 

# 67: THE DIARY OF AN ADOPTION ATTORNEY

PAGE # 67
Tuesday

12/20/11
Evening

When I imagine the private life of the adoption attorney, it's hard to picture her with any true friends or loved ones.  I see instead a perfect sociopath--not the kind that relishes in the physical mutilation of others--but the kind that enjoys manipulating people for nothing more than the exercise of power and control.  And adoption is a perfect arena for the execution of such a pathological disposition:  all the involved players are likely in some degree of despair, whether in the form of a crisis pregnancy or infertility.  Tom and I were in neither of these fragile predicaments, and this afforded us some strength against Shelley's evil, but the attorney would play with us nonetheless.  

What was the attorney doing this evening of December 20th, 2011?  

One can only imagine.  But if she maintained any sort of diary or personal journal, I imagine the entry from that night reads something like this:

Dear Diary,

I was successful in getting Jennifer and Tom to write a $1500 check for Kendra.  But it was not without effort.  These people are so self-righteous and concerned about what is ethical and fair and other nonsense.  I had to really guilt the husband and plead total and utter desperation on Kendra's behalf!  Sure, she needs the money for her car and all.  But!  More importantly:  I needed to up the adoptive couple's investment in fighting for this baby.  The greater the money spent on this baby, the more time spent with this baby--well, that will improve chances that the couple will behave according to my plan.

Tomorrow I will tell them about the putative father registry.  The biological father did indeed sign it--it is one of the most important steps toward him establishing his paternity and is a necessary one to contest this adoption.  

In fact, he signed the registry a full 8 days prior to the baby's birth!  When I tell Jennifer and Tom tomorrow, it will be a total of 13 days since he signed the registry.  Almost two full weeks!  They may not have taken the baby home in the first place if they had known this little fact. 

I will tell them that I checked with the registry daily--that I've only just learned of this myself.  What choice will they have but to believe me?  They don't know how quickly (or in this case, slowly) things operate in the office of vital statistics!

Yes, tomorrow I will tell them.  And I will handle all their questions and concerns according to my plan.

Remember:  I've done over 2,000 adoptions!  I'm a nationally recognized leader in this industry!  I've made case law!

Cheers to me!

Love myself,
Shelley
December 20th, 2011

***

Although this journal entry is a construct of my imagination, and is arguably a paranoid take on things (I cannot prove that Shelley knew about the putative father registration earlier than she claimed to know about it), it feels like it captures the essence of what happened.

What was written for sure that same evening included the beginning of an email correspondence between myself and Kendra.  At exactly 6:01 pm, I sent Kendra the following:

Hi Kendra!

I set up this email account for us--before I write anything more, just confirm that I've got the right email for you and that you have received this message!

Thanks,
Jennifer :)

After pressing send, I checked the email account constantly.  Finally, I breathed a sigh of relief when Kendra wrote back at 6:54 pm:

Got it!

Her reply was only two words--two tiny words!--but I felt better immediately and actually started to break free from my ongoing state of derealization.  The promise of ongoing contact with Kendra enabled me to enjoy Baby Lily--finally! I was feeling less guilty about having Kendra's baby because I felt confident we could do this together.  I imagined future holidays where Lily's natural family would celebrate alongside us.  My fantasy never considered any potential difficulty in this; I did not consider myself the slightest bit presumptuous.  Instead, I started to feel confident in the whole adoption situation.

I went to sleep more easily that night, blissfully ignorant of what I would learn the following day.

To Be Continued...