# 31: MOTHER'S DAY (THE UNSENT LETTERS)

PAGE # 31

Saturday

5/12/12
The Night Before Mother's Day

Dear Birth Mother,


I've been thinking about you a lot, especially with Mother's Day being tomorrow.  I checked your Facebook page recently, and even though we are not friends there and your page is not public, I could see your profile picture and your friend list.


It looks like you changed your profile pic to one from when you were pregnant with Lily.  There is a man seated next to you, but the picture is cropped, so I can only see a fraction of his face.  I can't tell for sure, but it looks like it is Lily's biological father.


You look beautiful and happy in this picture.


Then, my gaze shifted down toward your friend list--I didn't click on it--I just saw the "featured friends" that a viewer sees on the side.  And I saw your name again, so I clicked on that.


I guess you have two Facebook accounts. 


This profile page, unlike the other, has the updated timeline feature.  The inset photo is one of you, your husband, and your two boys.  The large photo is a picture of a beautiful flower.  It's a lily.  Of course.


I started to feel a bit of panic, because having a therapist background, and a significant knowledge of complex trauma (both personal & professional), I could not help but view this as proof of dissociative phenomena.  NOT something severe like a multiple personality disorder.  Just that you might be fragmented now.  Like the pregnant mother you were got split off from the person you have to be now.  The mother you have to be without Lily.


I've felt a lot of anxiety since this Facebook discovery.  It's hard for me to figure out whether my concerns for you are accurate, or whether this is just some manifestation of my own PTSD.  My own transference issues, so to speak.  Perhaps it doesn't really matter.  Maybe it's a bit of both.


I had a vivid dream a few nights after this Facebook discovery.


In the dream, I had found Lily.  I was running with her.  I held her close; I was worried I might drop her by accident.  The landscape kept changing and it was hard to stay balanced.  I ran through fields of tall grass, through parking lots of empty cars.  I was looking for you.  I was trying to bring Lily back to you.  But I couldn't find you.  


When I woke up, it was still the middle of the night.  I was sweating and my toes were rounded and clenched.  My body felt weighted, like I was pinned down by some unseen force.  I wake up like this a lot nowadays, and I have to work really hard from launching into a full blown panic attack.  I'm usually okay during the daytime.  The panic episodes mostly happen at night.


My therapist has pointed out that my concern for you is a bit obsessive.  Perhaps.  I acknowledge that on some level, focusing on you has maybe protected me from feeling my own pain.  It is hard for me to give myself permission to cry about Lily.  I feel like I'd be usurping your grief somehow.  But during that therapy session, I was able to cry.  And I guess that's okay too.


Just today, the whole family was out shopping.  We were in the kids' department, buying new shoes for Sara.  I saw a baby--she had to be the same age Lily is now--so I got up real close to see if maybe she was Lily.  Remember the birthmarks Lily had under her nose?  The ones the nurse said were called stork bites?  I always look for those when I smile at babies.  The nurse said they would fade away eventually, but you never know.  


I guess I feel forever linked to you.  We both lost the same baby girl to the world of adoption.  She is your daughter, and I want you to know that we loved her too.


Happy Mother's Day to both of us.  


Jennifer 

# 29: THE UNSENT LETTERS: DEAR BIRTH MOTHER,

PAGE # 29

Sunday

5/6/12

10:00 pm


Dear Birth Mother,


If you are considering an adoption plan for your unborn child, I sincerely hope you read this blog first.  If anyone is telling you that another couple is more fit to parent your child, because of money, or age, or whatever, please remember that all couples have problems.  


I shared an inside view of what my own marriage looked like a few days before the birth of our prospective adoptive child (see previous two blog posts).  Our marriage is imperfect.  All marriages are.  In fact, a couple may adopt your child, only to get divorced later.  Or worse.  As my husband always says, "No one can see the inside of another couple's marriage."


It's unlikely that the people in your personal life are encouraging you to keep your baby.  If they were, you probably wouldn't be considering the adoption option in the first place.  And the people working in the adoption industry are not going to tell you to try and keep your baby.  They want to make money.


Have faith in yourself to parent your child.  If you are considering placing your child for adoption because you have been told that your child will be better off, think again.  I think this is the worst insult to a woman.  And you deserve to know that you are strong and capable.  There is no power greater than motherhood.


Sincerely,
Jennifer
Former Prospective Adoptive Parent
Now a Concerned Citizen

Who Worries About The Coercion of Vulnerable, Pregnant Women

# 25: THE BIRTH PLAN

PAGE # 25

Monday

12/12/11

7:30 pm


Our dog, Jersey, was rolling around on the front lawn.  We did not want to discuss the details of Kendra's birth plan right outside our front door.  Just in case TJ appeared without warning.

"Come on Jersey!" I tugged at the leash.

We were quiet until we walked past three or four houses.

"Did she make sure no one is forcing Kendra into this?" Tom asked me.  

Tom was referring to my earlier phone conversation with the social worker, Paula.  

"Yeah, she claims that Kendra demonstrates more thoughtfulness and clarity than any other birth mom she has ever worked with.  Paula said she was really impressed with how deeply Kendra has processed the adoption plan."

Jersey ran around me.  I got tangled up in his leash for a minute and had to unravel myself before I could continue.

"Kendra initially planned on keeping the baby in the nursery, but now has decided to keep the baby in the room with her.  She's decided it's better to spend time with her before saying goodbye," I explained.  

I took a deep breath and continued:

"So, I asked Paula whether we could have an open adoption.  I mean, we only live a half hour away.  If she really can't take care of the baby, I don't see why that has to mean goodbye."

Tom was in full agreement with me.  But the social worker had not been:

"Look, Jennifer, that kind of arrangement requires a lot of advance planning and tremendous maturity from all the involved persons."

"But you just said that Kendra is the most processed birth mother that you've ever worked with," I had challenged.

"Yes, but I meant in terms of her decision making process.  Her marriage needs a lot of work.  They have a lot of growing up to do.  I don't think an open adoption would be advisable in this situation."

I was confused. 

"So, you're saying that an open adoption only works if the birth mother has her life together?  But if that were the case, why would such a birth mother be placing her kid for adoption in the first place?  I'm sorry, Paula, but I'm just not understanding why Kendra is not a good candidate for an open adoption."

Paula sounded apologetic: 

"Forgive me if I'm not making myself clear," she started.  "What I'm trying to say is that Kendra and her husband have a lot to work out.  I don't know if their marriage will make it.  And they already have two little boys. I don't think the complexity of their situation would be fair to anyone right now."

When I reiterated this part of the conversation to Tom, he stated that no one can know the inside of another couple's marriage.  

"I think Paula's an okay lady," Tom added, "But there's no way she can predict the future of their marriage.  And she's totally underestimating us.  We've been married for almost 17 years.  And we've been through a lot.  If any couple could make an open adoption work, I think we could."

"I think so too, but we still don't know if that's what Kendra wants."

"Can't we just call her and find out?" Tom asked.  "Why does everything have to go through Shelley and Paula?"

"I don't know," I said.  "Jim and Tracey used to talk to Ricky's birth mother every day.  They even did stuff together."  

"Yeah, I remember that," Tom said. 

"And I even asked if I should call Kendra, but Paula said not to.  That Kendra is tired and uncomfortable.  That this is a different situation than other birth mothers because Kendra already has two kids she is busy taking care of.  It kind of sounded like Kendra doesn't want to talk to us right now."

"Well, we have to respect her privacy then," Tom said.

Jersey was pulling me back toward our driveway, but I wasn't ready to go inside yet.  

"Maybe we'd be putting too much pressure on Kendra if we reached out to her?  I mean, if I were about to place my baby for adoption, would I really want to deal with some other couple's questions and stuff?  It might be too intrusive," I suggested.  

"I think we need to follow Kendra's lead," Tom said.  "This is her baby and her decision.  She needs to be in control of everything."

We walked up our driveway.  Jersey was trying to run inside.  He wanted his evening treat, but I wasn't finished describing the birth plan:

"Paula also said that Kendra wants us at the hospital."

"In the delivery room?" Tom's eyes were wide.

"No, no.  Nothing like that," I said.  "I guess she means in the waiting room."

"I can't imagine it," Tom said.

"I can't either," I admitted.

"She's not going to give away her baby," Tom decided.  "My parents don't think so either," Tom added.  "I mean, it's a little girl!  She has her two boys.  She can't give away her little girl!"

We sat down in the chairs just outside our front door.  

"Maybe she's just trying to show the husband that she will do anything to reconcile the marriage?" I wondered.  "But then, when the baby comes, maybe she's secretly hoping that her husband will say to keep her?" 

Tom nodded his head.  

"That's plausible.  Or...maybe she's still in love with the bio dad!  And hoping he comes to her rescue.  Didn't you notice how proud she looked when she showed us his picture?  I think she still loves him."

"I don't know about that.  She has a restraining order against him!"

"So what?" Tom countered.  "You're the one always saying how an abusive attachment can be more powerful than any other kind."

He was right.  We couldn't dismiss the possibility that Kendra was using the adoption plan as a ploy to try and win back her lover.  Anything was possible.

"Oh my God!  I totally forgot to tell you something else!"  I exclaimed.  

"What?"

I undid Jersey's leash and let him back inside.  But he'd have to wait for his treat.  I couldn't bring this conversation indoors yet--I didn't want to talk about this in front of our kids.

"Kendra's husband is taking their two boys away for Christmas.  With his parents.  And Kendra is NOT invited."

Tom almost fell over.

"What?  You mean to tell me that Kendra's husband is going to abandon her for the holidays? And take away her two kids?  Right after she gives birth and gives away her little girl for adoption?"

"Yes, it's horrible, I know."

"Well, that right there...see...that right there...," Tom could hardly speak, he was so indignant.  "She's giving up a baby and he's going to leave her in the aftermath?  And that's how he plans to reconcile the marriage?"

"It's horrible, I know," I repeated.  

"I don't like this at all," Tom said.  "If that's the case, how can we really be sure that Kendra is sure?  I mean, she is getting abandoned at Christmas!  He's punishing her!"

"You're right."

"We have to talk to them in the hospital.  Forget Shelley and Paula."

"Definitely," I agreed.  "There's no way we're taking this baby home unless we're certain that this is really what Kendra wants."

And that's how Tom and I settled on our own version of a birth plan.

# 22: PLEASE KEEP YOUR BABY!

PAGE # 22

Saturday

12/10/11
10:00 am


My good friend, Tracey, who is also an adoptive mom, wanted the latest update.  I sent her the following text message:

The social worker spoke with Kendra over the phone.  She said Kendra sounded very put together, asked thoughtful questions, etc.  Kendra said at first that she only wanted to see the baby briefly after the delivery, but now thinks she should spend time with the baby to say goodbye.  She doesn't know what to do with her two boys.  Social worker said they should come to the hospital to meet the baby, take pictures with her, and meet us too.  Tom and I really thinking that there is no way she can give up her baby.  Can you imagine her taking pictures with the baby and her two boys?  There is no way the mom is going through with this!  

Tracey wrote back:

Ricky's birth mom took plenty of pics with him before she left and spent the night with him at the hospital.  Obviously know that she can change her mind, but any of them can.  It is impossible for us to imagine any of them giving up their kids, but it happens because they know it's best for the baby.  You can't put yourself in their position because you have never been in their position.  I can imagine giving the baby up.  She is 24 and can't afford the 2 kids she already has.  Plus, it's not the husband's baby!

I read Tracey's message a few times, but I wasn't convinced.  Kendra and Johnny (her husband) came from affluent backgrounds--they could definitely afford the two kids they already had.  The problem, financially, sounded more like a potential punishment from Kendra's in-laws. 


Johnny was not the baby's father.  His parents probably didn't want a grandchild around who was not their genetic lineage.  Since Johnny worked for his parents' business, perhaps his job and income were at stake?


Johnny had told us that his parents were not supportive of his reconciliation with Kendra.  They wanted him to divorce her.  But Kendra and Johnny were officially separated when she became pregnant with this baby girl.  They already had two little boys together.  This baby girl had two half brothers!  Even if Kendra's in-laws hated her, had they no compassion for their two grandsons who were about to lose their baby sister?  


I looked at Tracey's text message again.  The following line struck me:


You can't put yourself in their position because you have never been in their position.


This wasn't entirely true.  I had never been in Kendra's exact circumstances, but I did have a "crisis" pregnancy once upon a time.  I was unmarried, 20 years old, and a college junior when I got pregnant.  I was definitely not encouraged to keep my baby.  I did (TJ is now 16), but the hardest thing about that time in my life was not the actual baby--it was the attitude of other people.  I had to summon all my strength and courage to endure the judgment and constant criticism from society.


I felt terrible for Kendra.  How could she summon that kind of energy when she already had two children to care for?  Why didn't her own parents want to help her?  This was their grandchild!  I couldn't understand any of it.  


Tom shared my heartbreak, but was more optimistic:


"Everyone is going to fall in love with this baby girl when she is born.  Believe me, her family is going to beg her to keep the baby!"


We agreed that this would be the best outcome for the little girl.  We talked about giving Kendra some money, as a Christmas present, for her and the baby.  We wanted to help them.  We imagined that we would remain in contact.  Tom was certain that an adoption would take place, just not an adoption of the baby.  He was convinced that Kendra was going to adopt us-- as an aunt and uncle for her baby girl!


We were back to our rescue fantasy.  During earlier times, when Tom and I had casually discussed adoption, we always envisioned ourselves providing a home for a baby who had nothing.  But this baby had a beautiful family!


I read blogs and message boards online, but could not relate to other prospective adoptive couples.  Other couples were literally praying to get the baby--not secretly hoping that the real mom would choose to parent instead.  


"That's because you guys are not desperate," Tracey told me.  "When I was adopting Ricky, I just wanted a baby.  It's all I thought about."


I guess that's why I didn't find any online camaraderie.  I already had two biological children.  Kendra already had two biological children.  I was more psychologically identified with Kendra than with other hopeful adoptive couples--and I felt sadness and confusion.  


If there had been more time.  If this baby hadn't appeared out of nowhere.  If I wasn't racing around to prepare for a newborn--I might have called my former therapist and scheduled some emergency sessions.  


Adoption is portrayed in the media as this wonderful event, but actually it is a time of tremendous crisis.  Adoption always involves loss, trauma, and grief.  It may even involve coercion.  And the transfer of a life, from one family to another, imprints layers of mystery upon everyone involved. 


The image of a stork bringing me a baby was definitely fading away.  

# 17: THE BABY MAY NOT BE IN MY BELLY, BUT WE'RE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT!

PAGE # 17

Wednesday

12/7/11

11:30 am

Tom and I were enjoying ourselves.  Our meeting was going well.  Kendra was pregnant with our future adoptive child and we liked her!  Her husband, Johnny, was not the bio dad, but he was great too.  I kind of wished it was his baby, but then, we wouldn't be in this situation, about to adopt a baby and all.  Or would we be?

Two married couples, a mystery baby girl in belly, no dying dog, and one adoption attorney:  We all occupied the same space, at the same time, brought together by specific, albeit unusual circumstances, and it started to feel, well, kind of familiar.  Not that I ever placed a biological child of my own for adoption.  Not that Tom and I ever suffered through multiple separations.  And certainly not that I had ever been pregnant with another man's baby.  But on that day, and under the conditions we were in, we started to view Kendra and Johnny as younger versions of ourselves.  As if they were just like we had once been; only we took a luckier path, and they, through poor luck or other misfortune, ended up in a bit of a mess.

I think it was Tom who asked the next question, and he directed it toward Johnny, who'd been silent thus far:

"So, what kind of work do you do?"

Johnny sat up taller.  He liked this topic.

"I work in my family's business.  Since I was a kid," he replied.  He gave a detailed description of his responsibilities and latest accomplishments.  

"Tom works in his family's business too!" I interjected.

And with that, the two husbands began an engaging conversation.  I heard mention of 'career goals' and 'entrepreneurship,' but Kendra and I were focused on our own exchange by that point.  

"Was it hard for you to find other friends?" she asked me.  "I mean, other young mom friends?"  She was referring to the fact that Tom and I had also been very young parents (once upon a time).

I laughed, remembering how other moms often mistook me for TJ's nanny or babysitter.

"Yeah, it kind of was," I said.  "Not that many people have kids in their early 20s nowadays. I was always the youngest mom everywhere I went."

Kendra was nodding her head.  "Yeah, I don't even know how to talk to the other moms!  I feel like they're looking down at me."

I was encouraging:

"Kendra," I said, "if there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that everyone is feeling like she is the odd woman out.  I know plenty of moms in their late 30s who complain about Mommy & Me classes feeling like the social equivalent of high school all over again.  You just have to be friendly and put yourself out there."

Kendra was listening closely.

"Look," I continued.  "Tom and I have friends of all ages.  Of course, we have friends our own age, and some are even younger now.  But when we were young like you guys, raising a kid, we had no friends our age with kids.  But we made it our business to make friends with other parents.  We're still friends with those people.  We were going to 40th birthday parties in our early 20s, but those were the people we had the most in common with.  You don't ditch your other friends, you just wait for them to catch up.  And they will.  I promise."

Kendra glanced over at her husband, who was saying something to my husband.

"Sometimes I just feel like I missed out on stuff, you know?" she said.

I nodded.

"I see my friends going out, and..." 

"They're just out looking for what you already have," I assured her.  "In less than ten years from now, it's going to be totally different.  It's worth it.  Growing up before everyone else.  You'll see."

Tom and I looked over at each other.  After 16 1/2 years of marriage, I could tell we were both thinking the same thing:  Had the universe selected us to help this couple?  Were we supposed to help them decide to keep the baby?  

We discussed this shared rescue fantasy later, during our car ride home from the attorney's office.  Not only was I correct in reading Tom's mind, but by the time we arrived home, we each had the other convinced that our role was to help this couple keep the baby.  Of course, we wanted the baby if no one else did.  But in all honesty, at that time and in hindsight too, we always had some hope that Kendra would choose to keep her baby girl.

"We could stay in touch with them!" Tom suggested.  "Be like extra grandparents for the baby!"

"We're not that old!" I argued.  "Maybe we could be the baby's Godparents or something like that."

"You think they really liked us, right?" Tom asked.  

"Yes," I said.  "I definitely felt a connection."

to be continued...

# 16: ARE YOU OUR BABY'S MOTHER?

PAGE # 16

Wednesday

12/7/11

11:00 am

Shelley, the adoption attorney, welcomed us into her office.  Tom and I sat down and waited.  I looked for the dog, but didn't see him anywhere, so I browsed through the saved photos on my iPhone.  I was trying to find some good pictures of our family.  Shelley had recommended bringing in some photo albums, but I didn't want to reveal any identifying information (all of my photo albums have captions, etc.).  I had already provided the hastily made Shutterfly photo book--that and some cell phone pics would have to suffice.

"She's bringing her husband," Shelley stated.  "Kendra phoned a little while ago to say he'd be joining us."

I was surprised.  I couldn't imagine being him, and meeting us, while his wife discussed the adoption plan for another man's baby.


When Kendra and her husband arrived, Shelley went to greet them in the waiting area and quickly escorted them into the office.


Kendra was adorable.  She wore a simple black maternity dress and was all belly.  She was not exactly my younger twin, as Shelley had sworn, but we did share the same overall coloring:  dark hair, dark eyes, fair skin.  She had some freckles too, very slight, that painted an aura of sweetness.  She looked like a maternity model, but not the flashy, 'pregnant in heels' type.  She looked like she fell out of a Laura Ashley catalog.


Tom and I stood up to greet her and shake hands.  I think I hugged her, but I'm not sure if I was that bold.  Maybe the hug was only at the goodbye part.


Kendra's husband, Johnny, was just behind her.  He gave a warm nod, shook our hands, and sat down beside his pregnant wife.  He was dressed casually:  khakis and a polo shirt, a pair of flip flops.  He looked like a kid to me.  Johnny was quiet for at least the first half of the meeting.  He sat with his hands clutched between his knees, gaze aimed downward, one foot tapping the floor.  He looked like any waiting husband does--as if  he were sitting in a department store while his wife tried on clothes.  


I had a lot of questions, but the attorney was talking; I assume she felt the need to navigate both couples through any potential awkwardness:


"I've done this over 2,000 times!" she reminded us.  


I resented the lawyer's presence and wanted to go ahead with my own agenda (like make sure that Kendra wasn't being coerced by anyone, had received crisis counseling, etc.).  I was worried for her.  


But we didn't get to the serious topics just yet.  Kendra had brought a large photo album from her own childhood, complete with images from the newborn stage through her adolescence.  She narrated some family history as Tom and I turned the album's pages.


Of everything she shared about her family's background, the most interesting detail was that Kendra's mom had been adopted (that is, Kendra's mother was raised in an adoptive home).  I found this bit of information reassuring.  Since Kendra already had a frame of reference for adoption, it seemed to make more sense that she might choose adoption for her own, unplanned child.  I didn't think it would make giving her baby away any easier, but maybe the choice was available to her, more so than it might be to someone else, simply because her own mother was the product of an adoption placement?


After viewing pictures of Kendra's childhood, she presented us with professional portraits of her two boys:  Alex (age 5) and Logan (18 months). 


"They're so cute!" I exclaimed.


Kendra started to cry a little.


"Don't worry.  It's not me.  I'm not worried about me," she wiped tears from her face.  "I'm just really worried about Alex.  He doesn't understand why we can't keep his baby sister."


I was with Alex.  I really didn't understand it either. 


Kendra pulled herself together quickly.  "Do you guys celebrate Christmas?" she asked.  "I want the baby to celebrate Christmas."


I pulled out my phone.  I had a picture of last year's Christmas tree surrounded by tons of presents.


Kendra smiled.  "That looks like your mom's tree!" she exclaimed, referring to her mother-in-law.  She showed the picture to her husband.


I was feeling very sad for her.  And for her two little boys who wouldn't get to grow up with their sister.


Kendra gave me back my phone.  I showed her some pictures of our two kids:  TJ and Sara.  I felt like I needed to share something of ourselves.  How could she just give her baby to us without even seeing the baby's future siblings?


We chatted a bit more about the holidays.  About all our kids.  For a little while, it felt like we were making new friends, not planning the exchange of a life.  I even forgot that the attorney was still sitting there.  


It turned out, Kendra and Johnny had a lot in common with us.  At least it seemed that way at the time.     

# 8: IS SOMEONE FORCING BIRTH MOM INTO THIS ADOPTION PLAN?

PAGE # 8


Tuesday

12/6/11

10:09 am

Was Kendra, the birth mother, open to meeting us?  Our friend, Tracey, was curious too.

I sent Tracey this reply via text message:

Not sure if she will meet us.  Tom and I are worried that she might be getting coerced by her husband (not same man as birth father) and by her parents.  The attorney told us that Kendra is very worried about her 5 year old who is expecting this baby sister.  I mean, she already has 2 kids.  I don't know how she can go through with this.  If she doesn't, that's fine.  Of course!  But we are worried she will follow through out of coercion and then be traumatized.  I think it is a positive sign if Kendra requires meeting us.  Or maybe she wants a closed adoption because it is too painful for her?  I don't know.  I don't have any experience with this yet.  We are meeting with the attorney at 3:00.  I am feeling bad for the birth mother and her 2 boys who have been anticipating a baby sister.  I am strange.

Tracey texted me back:

I felt really bad for Ricky's birth mom too.  Being a mom, how can you not?  It is sad for her.  It's the worst thing she can go through.  I remember thinking that it was such a happy moment for us, but so sad for her.  It will be sad no matter who you adopt from.  There is no perfect situation.

I was thankful for Tracey's understanding.  Thank God I had a friend who had just been through this!  

Adoption triggers complex and ambivalent emotions in all of the involved persons.  The former psychotherapist in me later (much later) recognized that part of my concern for Kendra, was my unconscious attempt to bury any negative feelings I had toward her.  Because the truth, honestly, was that I could not understand.  I could not understand why any mother, in any situation, would give away her own child.  I would rather die.

I was uncomfortable feeling this way.  I strive to have empathy for others.  Plus, if she followed through with the adoption plan, and actually gave us her baby, I'd also be thankful beyond belief.  

How could I reconcile gratitude with contempt?  

I NEEDED to meet Kendra.  I did not want to hate this baby's biological mother.  I wanted to connect with her, to have some sense of what it meant to be her.  And more likely than not, this baby would someday want the same answers to the very same questions.  

# 7: IS THE BIRTH MOM MY DOPPELGANGER?

PAGE # 7


Monday

12/5/11
4:00 pm

I had not heard from the adoption attorney since the previous Thursday.  After obtaining my husband Tom's consent to move forward, after faxing the necessary forms, and even after sending the link to my "We're a Great Family!  Please Pick Us!" photo album, we heard nothing.


The weekend felt eternal.  The kids were happy that their dad returned from his business trip, but after the soaring excitement of a possible adoption, we were all feeling defeated.  


TJ, our teenager, offered his consolation:


"Eh.  It's better off.  You guys can hardly handle the two kids you already have."


Tom offered his version of optimism:


"Yeah, what were we thinking?  TJ is almost the age we were when we had him.  We could be grandparents soon." 


"Don't look at me!"  TJ jumped up.  "I'm not making you no baby!  I 'm never having kids.  They're a pain in the butt."


I chimed in:


"But you do watch an awful lot of 'Teen Mom' for someone claiming to be so disinterested in parenthood."  I couldn't resist teasing him.  "In fact, I think you look forward to Tuesday night even more than we do."


Tuesday night was when our favorite television show, 'Parenthood,' was on.  There was even an adoption story featured in the current season.  Now we'd be more hooked on the weekly drama.


Sara woke from her nap and I went to get her.  When my cell rang a few hours later, Tom was busy working in our home office and TJ was doing his schoolwork.  


"Oh my God!  Seriously?  She picked us?  Is she sure?"  I couldn't believe it.


"Yes," the adoption attorney replied.  "Of course, there's no guarantees with any adoption.  There is always the slight possibility that she may change her mind after the baby is born.  But that seems unlikely in this case."


"Oh, sorry, that's not what I meant to ask," I explained.  "I was wondering if she was sure about us?  About picking us."


"Yes.  Of course.  She was in my office looking through a whole stack of prospective parents.  She loved you guys.  Jennifer, I swear, I never say this to anyone, but you even look like the birth mother.  Kendra looks like she could be your little sister."


"Does she want to meet us in person?"


"She's not requiring that."


I was confused.  I knew that our friends, Tracey and Jim, had met with their birth mother a gazillion times.


"She prefers a closed adoption," Shelley stated.  "Can you and Tom come in tomorrow to meet with me?  There's a lot to get done in a very short time.  Kendra thinks the baby could be here by next week."


I scheduled an appointment with the attorney for the following afternoon.  There was only one problem.  The birth mother did not want to meet us, and even though plenty of people were telling me this was ideal, I did not agree.  


By the time I went to bed that night, I knew I would not be able to adopt this baby unless I met the biological mother.  I had plenty of adopted friends who reconnected with their biological parents later in life.  If I were going to raise this child, I wanted to make sure that this woman was a decent human being.  And given the ease of locating people in today's world (i.e. social networking sites, etc.), I felt pretty sure that I'd be dealing with the biological family at some point down the road.  I wanted at least a hint of what this baby's birth mother was like.


Tom didn't think it mattered much.  "Even if you find her to be a miserable witch, I know you too well.  You'll feel bad and want to protect the baby."


"Ha!"  I countered.  "That's your rescue fantasy!"


And with that, we tried to sleep.

# 2: "NOT YOUR TYPICAL BIRTH MOTHER"

PAGE # 2

Thursday 

12/1/2011

12:15 pm    

"This is not your typical adoption situation.  I've been doing this for over 25 years and have done about 2,000 successful placements."  Shelley was pleasant and talkative over the phone.  She continued, "I can tell you this:  Kendra is definitely not your typical birth mother."

There was an archetypal birth mother?  Who knew?

"I'm sorry, Shelley, but I don't really know what you mean.  What is a typical birth mother like?"  

I thought pregnant women considering adoption were a collective group of individuals.  Unique stories.  Varying backgrounds.  But Shelley wanted to set me straight:

"Most of them are drug addicts.  Or alcoholics.  They don't get any prenatal care.  There's usually much greater risk regarding the baby's health.  I'm not saying I can guarantee anything, but Kendra, is well, just a normal woman who got herself into a bad situation.  She comes from a good family.  And her husband's family operates a 100 year old business.  He comes from prominent people in the area."

I didn't understand.  "Then why is she placing this baby for adoption?"

"It's not her husband's baby.  Their marriage is a disaster.  They've already been divorced once, then got remarried, and when this baby was conceived, they were separated.  In fact, he had filed for divorce again.  But they're back together.  They have two boys together and are trying to work it out."

"How old is she?"  I pictured someone in her early to mid forties, given all that marital experience.

"She's 24.  They married young--high school sweethearts and she got pregnant in their freshman year of college.  She doesn't believe in abortion, so they got married and quit school.  Got jobs in his family's business."

"That's funny," I replied.  "Because I got pregnant in college too.  Also before we were married.  And then my husband went into his family's business."

"Jennifer, I must tell you, and maybe you'll think I sound a bit crazy, but I'm a spiritual person," Shelley explained.  "And just talking with you, I can tell you and your husband are the perfect match for this birth mom and her baby.  Babies end up with the families they're meant to be with.  I've got at least 35 couples I've been working with for some time now, but this baby is meant for your family."

An hour earlier, I was competing for a spot at Chef Mickey's.  And then, out of nowhere, I just skipped the whole line of hopeful prospective parents?  I wanted a baby, yes, but we were blessed with two children already.  What about those childless couples who were waiting and waiting?

Shelley was reassuring, "You need to understand that Kendra wants a family like yours.  This is ultimately her choice.  She wants a house that has other kids in it.  She wants a couple  under 40 years of age.  A lot of people don't try to adopt until they've already exhausted all their other options.  It's their last resort and they tend to be much older."

I was listening.  Thinking.

"Jennifer, I need to call Kendra by the end of the day to let her know that her first choice, Tracey and Jim, is not going to happen.  She's going to be devastated.  But I think when she hears about you and your family, well, I think she will be very happy then."

"Shelley," I cautioned her.  "My husband is in Europe right now.  He doesn't even know this situation exists yet."

Shelley did not give me much time.  "Call him and call me right back.  I need an answer before the end of the day.  This baby is due in a few weeks and Kendra is already dilated three centimeters."