# 7: IS THE BIRTH MOM MY DOPPELGANGER?

PAGE # 7


Monday

12/5/11
4:00 pm

I had not heard from the adoption attorney since the previous Thursday.  After obtaining my husband Tom's consent to move forward, after faxing the necessary forms, and even after sending the link to my "We're a Great Family!  Please Pick Us!" photo album, we heard nothing.


The weekend felt eternal.  The kids were happy that their dad returned from his business trip, but after the soaring excitement of a possible adoption, we were all feeling defeated.  


TJ, our teenager, offered his consolation:


"Eh.  It's better off.  You guys can hardly handle the two kids you already have."


Tom offered his version of optimism:


"Yeah, what were we thinking?  TJ is almost the age we were when we had him.  We could be grandparents soon." 


"Don't look at me!"  TJ jumped up.  "I'm not making you no baby!  I 'm never having kids.  They're a pain in the butt."


I chimed in:


"But you do watch an awful lot of 'Teen Mom' for someone claiming to be so disinterested in parenthood."  I couldn't resist teasing him.  "In fact, I think you look forward to Tuesday night even more than we do."


Tuesday night was when our favorite television show, 'Parenthood,' was on.  There was even an adoption story featured in the current season.  Now we'd be more hooked on the weekly drama.


Sara woke from her nap and I went to get her.  When my cell rang a few hours later, Tom was busy working in our home office and TJ was doing his schoolwork.  


"Oh my God!  Seriously?  She picked us?  Is she sure?"  I couldn't believe it.


"Yes," the adoption attorney replied.  "Of course, there's no guarantees with any adoption.  There is always the slight possibility that she may change her mind after the baby is born.  But that seems unlikely in this case."


"Oh, sorry, that's not what I meant to ask," I explained.  "I was wondering if she was sure about us?  About picking us."


"Yes.  Of course.  She was in my office looking through a whole stack of prospective parents.  She loved you guys.  Jennifer, I swear, I never say this to anyone, but you even look like the birth mother.  Kendra looks like she could be your little sister."


"Does she want to meet us in person?"


"She's not requiring that."


I was confused.  I knew that our friends, Tracey and Jim, had met with their birth mother a gazillion times.


"She prefers a closed adoption," Shelley stated.  "Can you and Tom come in tomorrow to meet with me?  There's a lot to get done in a very short time.  Kendra thinks the baby could be here by next week."


I scheduled an appointment with the attorney for the following afternoon.  There was only one problem.  The birth mother did not want to meet us, and even though plenty of people were telling me this was ideal, I did not agree.  


By the time I went to bed that night, I knew I would not be able to adopt this baby unless I met the biological mother.  I had plenty of adopted friends who reconnected with their biological parents later in life.  If I were going to raise this child, I wanted to make sure that this woman was a decent human being.  And given the ease of locating people in today's world (i.e. social networking sites, etc.), I felt pretty sure that I'd be dealing with the biological family at some point down the road.  I wanted at least a hint of what this baby's birth mother was like.


Tom didn't think it mattered much.  "Even if you find her to be a miserable witch, I know you too well.  You'll feel bad and want to protect the baby."


"Ha!"  I countered.  "That's your rescue fantasy!"


And with that, we tried to sleep.

# 2: "NOT YOUR TYPICAL BIRTH MOTHER"

PAGE # 2

Thursday 

12/1/2011

12:15 pm    

"This is not your typical adoption situation.  I've been doing this for over 25 years and have done about 2,000 successful placements."  Shelley was pleasant and talkative over the phone.  She continued, "I can tell you this:  Kendra is definitely not your typical birth mother."

There was an archetypal birth mother?  Who knew?

"I'm sorry, Shelley, but I don't really know what you mean.  What is a typical birth mother like?"  

I thought pregnant women considering adoption were a collective group of individuals.  Unique stories.  Varying backgrounds.  But Shelley wanted to set me straight:

"Most of them are drug addicts.  Or alcoholics.  They don't get any prenatal care.  There's usually much greater risk regarding the baby's health.  I'm not saying I can guarantee anything, but Kendra, is well, just a normal woman who got herself into a bad situation.  She comes from a good family.  And her husband's family operates a 100 year old business.  He comes from prominent people in the area."

I didn't understand.  "Then why is she placing this baby for adoption?"

"It's not her husband's baby.  Their marriage is a disaster.  They've already been divorced once, then got remarried, and when this baby was conceived, they were separated.  In fact, he had filed for divorce again.  But they're back together.  They have two boys together and are trying to work it out."

"How old is she?"  I pictured someone in her early to mid forties, given all that marital experience.

"She's 24.  They married young--high school sweethearts and she got pregnant in their freshman year of college.  She doesn't believe in abortion, so they got married and quit school.  Got jobs in his family's business."

"That's funny," I replied.  "Because I got pregnant in college too.  Also before we were married.  And then my husband went into his family's business."

"Jennifer, I must tell you, and maybe you'll think I sound a bit crazy, but I'm a spiritual person," Shelley explained.  "And just talking with you, I can tell you and your husband are the perfect match for this birth mom and her baby.  Babies end up with the families they're meant to be with.  I've got at least 35 couples I've been working with for some time now, but this baby is meant for your family."

An hour earlier, I was competing for a spot at Chef Mickey's.  And then, out of nowhere, I just skipped the whole line of hopeful prospective parents?  I wanted a baby, yes, but we were blessed with two children already.  What about those childless couples who were waiting and waiting?

Shelley was reassuring, "You need to understand that Kendra wants a family like yours.  This is ultimately her choice.  She wants a house that has other kids in it.  She wants a couple  under 40 years of age.  A lot of people don't try to adopt until they've already exhausted all their other options.  It's their last resort and they tend to be much older."

I was listening.  Thinking.

"Jennifer, I need to call Kendra by the end of the day to let her know that her first choice, Tracey and Jim, is not going to happen.  She's going to be devastated.  But I think when she hears about you and your family, well, I think she will be very happy then."

"Shelley," I cautioned her.  "My husband is in Europe right now.  He doesn't even know this situation exists yet."

Shelley did not give me much time.  "Call him and call me right back.  I need an answer before the end of the day.  This baby is due in a few weeks and Kendra is already dilated three centimeters."