# 45: JENNIFER'S LETTERS

PAGE # 45

Saturday
7/28/12
Late Afternoon


Dear Jennifer of December 2011,


I am writing from the future too late, but lost time is no excuse for further procrastination. And though this note cannot stop the events as they pertained to the adoption of Baby Lily, well then, perhaps it can prevent some other ignorant prospective adoptive parent from falling prey to similar grievances.


Jennifer!


You will not believe what I am about to tell you:  After so much worry as to whether Kendra was getting coerced into an adoption plan, YOU will feel coerced into an adoption plan.


A few hours after Baby Lily's birth, Kendra will tell you alleged stories about the birth father and you will become frightened of him.  You will believe these stories without question, at least for some time, because they will help you reconcile your own ideas about motherhood (how could anyone give up her baby?) with Kendra's decision (giving up baby equals saving baby).  Without Kendra's tale of terror, it will be near impossible for you to fathom Kendra's choice of adoption for her newborn.    


Unfortunately, as the tale of terror convinces you that Kendra has a valid reason for choosing adoption, the tale of terror will also terrorize you.  You will feel manipulated and lied to, as the adoption attorney certainly did not depict the birth father to be quite as threatening as Kendra will describe.


You will feel bad for both Kendra and her baby and want to help them, but you will also feel some resentment toward the whole situation--you, who have worked so hard to overcome a family history of abuse, will find yourself thrown into the domestic violence drama of total strangers.  You will want to run away, but because you made a commitment to Kendra and her baby, you will feel trapped.  A potentially dangerous and definitely volatile situation will collide with your otherwise quiet domestic life, and you will feel obligated to accept it into your arms, your home, your very heart.


You will be blindsided because you will have focused too much on Kendra's well being.  You will fail to consider your own vulnerability.  No--you will consider it, but far too briefly.


You will feel like you must take care of Kendra's baby, even though the situation with the birth father scares you.  You will feel like it's too late to back out.  And you will want to protect Baby Lily from any danger.  


You will take Baby Lily home and you will love her.  And even after that, the adoption attorney will victimize your entire family with more lies, manipulation, and emotional blackmail.  You will have to make very hard decisions without ever knowing the truth.  You will be morally tested and it will hurt.


You will wish it never happened at all.  


But it will happen.


And though it will be too late for this letter, you will write it anyway.


In fact, it will be too late for all of you.  At least one person will become lost.  And at least one person will not survive.  Your own brush with grief will be minimal, relatively speaking.


It will happen.


You must write of it.


Sincerely,
Jennifer of this very moment in time

# 32: THERE WAS DIRT & THERE WERE LETTERS, BUT UNFORTUNATELY, THERE WERE NO DIRTY LETTERS

PAGE # 32

Wednesday

12/14/11
7:00 pm & beyond


When I discovered the flood in the laundry room, I was too preoccupied with Tom's absence (and our pending adoption) to appreciate this gift the universe had thrown at me.  A great flood is often featured in literature, and if I had known then, that I'd be writing about it all now--well, I might have felt connected to some of the most influential writers in our recorded history.  At the very least, I'd have felt some amusement over the whole mess.  But on that particular evening, I felt no such enthusiasm about the water pooling inside our home.


I was able to turn off the washing machine, but for reasons I will never understand, water continued to rush inside.  I needed to turn off some faucet located behind the machine, but that was impossible to reach.  And the machine, having neither legs nor wheels, would not move.  The washing machine of my dreams--a stainless steel front loader--was heavier than an elephant.  


The man who was finally able to make it all stop, nearly gave himself a heart attack in the process.  He goes by the name of 'Neighbor Vic,' and he is the size of three men rolled into one.  He is a chain-smoker from a bygone era, eats whatever he pleases, and works outdoors all day long minus any sunscreen or even a shirt.  He is invincible.  


But very dirty.  


As Neighbor Vic wrestled the washing machine away from the wall, I saw that this man sweats soil.  He was literally dripping with wet earth.  He's a landscaper, so at least this made sense.  It would have been a cognitive assault otherwise--say, if he were an accountant or something like that--and I'm grateful that the whole experience, however disgusting, at least aligned with my expectation of things.  I didn't need another surprise that night.  


Of course, I tried to use the great flood to my advantage:  I sent descriptive text messages to Tom, hoping to torture him with just the right measure of guilt for being away on a business trip.  Not too much guilt or he might retaliate.  Unfortunately for me, I do not possess the unsung superpower of subtlety.  Tom swore to forever save these text messages.  He plans to use them in the future, if needed, to show the world at large that his wife is insane.


I will not include the original text messages here.  I'm all for using primary documents in the writing of this memoir; however, I must spare myself this particular humiliation.  I simply did not have my shit together that night.


On the other hand, this is probably a fine moment to introduce the personal references written for our home study evaluation.  These letters of recommendation, a total of three, were composed by some of our dearest friends.  They are flattering indeed; in fact, when I first read them, I considered pinning them to my physical person, like how people wear medical identification tags, just in case my life happened to intersect with some fatal accident.  These letters might secure my place in heaven:

"Take me in God!  I've been a kind person, and despite the fact that I'm a chronic skeptic and haven't received communion since forced to do so, I come clothed in documentation attesting to my utter goodness."

I will include some of my favorite excerpts from those letters now, not for the sake of some self-promoting ego-boost, but to illustrate the disparity between what was written about our marriage (by others) versus the mad text messages written about our marriage (by me).  I am a fan of contrast, so please indulge me. 


Some of my favorite excerpts include:

Jennifer and Tom love each other very much and their home is full of joy.  Jennifer always knows what is best for her family and children.  She is flexible and quick to volunteer help to others in need.  Tom is an excellent father.  He is dedicated to his family and always makes time to take care of his children.  Sometimes, when we are far away on a business trip, I realize he can't wait to go back home.

As a couple, Jennifer and Tom are each other's Yin and Yang.  They complement each other so perfectly, one would think they were created for each other.  Both individually and as a couple, they are patient, loving and caring.  They do what is right not only because it is right, but because it feels right and is part of who they are.

There are ways people get lucky in life, and not everyone gets lucky in the same way.  Jennifer and Tom are lucky in marriage.  They met and married under non-conventional ways.  They married, loved each other, and had a baby while their peers were too immature to understand that level of commitment.  Yet, their marriage is stronger than most.  They understand each other well.  They are patient and loving with each other.  They make their marriage a priority in life and nurture their love for each other.  They have made the choice and promise to each other to ensure they work together despite any external circumstances.  They have made the harder and better choices such as having a child young, moving to a place away from family, various career decisions, all because they knew it was best for their family.

What letters!  There was much detail about our parenting skills too, but I've chosen the above passages because they provide a window into our marriage, if from the outside looking-in.  And on that very night, after the water had been scooped away with buckets, and Neighbor Vic's soil-sweat was washed clean, and even after I composed my mad monologue via text message to Tom, I opened my email account to reread those lovely sentences.


I'm not sure if I was hoping to remind myself that our marriage was full of love, despite my feelings of isolation and abandonment, or if I just can't resist a good dose of irony in general.  Probably the latter.


I did not fall asleep easily that night.  I tried some relaxation exercises, but mostly I wallowed in my own self-pity and waited, in terror, for the phone call that Kendra was in labor and that I must go to the hospital immediately.  And all alone.


But Kendra did not go into labor that night, and she was not induced the following morning.  Instead, she had a surprise visit from child protective services. 


To be continued...