# 75: THE MAMA BEAR IN ME

PAGE # 75
Friday

12/23/11
Morning


I'm not sure how it happened, but when the sun rose and my household came alive with kids, coffee, and the morning search for that Elf on the Shelf, I passed into a new psychological realm.  My episode of derealization had already been broken with the news of Bobby signing the putative father registry.  My subsequent avoidance of Baby Lily was over now too.  I stopped trying to protect myself from the unknown and gave love to that baby girl.

Of course, there are numerous (possible) explanations for my sudden shift in behavior toward Baby Lily that morning.  These include:

1)  Tom admonishing me the previous evening.

2)  It was the day before Christmas Eve and the holiday spirit took over.

3)  We hadn't heard anything further from our attorney--maybe we would be adopting Lily after all?

I'm sure that all three of the above noted facts contributed to my renewed commitment toward Baby Lily.  But.  There was something else too.

After the big news had spread throughout the extended family (that the biological father had signed the putative father registry), my sister-in-law finally came to meet Lily.  She literally popped into my bedroom unannounced while I was feeding Lily.  She did not stay long.  She approached Lily with great caution, as if the infant might contaminate her with a disease.  She never got too close.

"She is cute," Diana said.  "But I can't stay.  Just wanted to say sorry about the biological father and all."

"It's not a tragedy," I countered.  "She'll go back to her mom and her brothers if he takes any further action to contest the adoption.  And her mom and her brothers are awesome."

I was angry.

One week earlier, on the day of Lily's birth, I had sent a picture of Lily to all our family members.  While everyone else wrote back with "She's beautiful!" or "She's precious!," Diana had replied with the following text message:

Hold your horses.  You don't even know if the dad is going to sign off on it!

I had been infuriated.  Her ostensible caveat was full of presumption.  At the time, I was feeling traumatized by the pending separation of Lily from her natural mother and siblings.  I was praying that Kendra would not relinquish in the first place!

Diana avoided Lily until the adoption situation grew tenuous.  It felt like she was hoping things would fall apart.  When I confessed my agitation to Tom later that day, he agreed that her behavior was hurtful, but he'd been better able to put things in perspective:

"I didn't expect her to be excited for us.  She had a stillborn baby girl and now she has a handicapped baby boy.  It's already hard for her to be around Sara--it's probably driving her nuts that we have another baby girl in the house."

"But Lily is an innocent baby!  With a traumatic beginning!  Where's the family support?  We gave Kendra pictures of them too!  Of all of us together!  We talked about how Lily would have an aunt and uncle and cousins on the same street!  It's not turning out how Kendra thinks it will!  The family is not welcoming Lily!  I'm sorry Tom, but if this baby had been our biological child, they would have been over here sooner.  They suck.  They aren't being supportive.  This has nothing to do with their situation!"

Tom shook his head.  "Your expectations of people are just very high."

"Bullshit!  Your family's expectations of us are too high!  We have to be there for everyone!  Who is ever there for us?"

"What do you want me to do?  It's a bad situation.  I'm disappointed too.  But what can I do?"

I sighed.

"I guess you're right," I finally gave in.  "We can't exactly go over there and complain when they already have their hands full."

The conversation was over for that day, but the topic was hardly resolved.

And though I was growing more and more tired of putting myself in other people's shoes, there was a pool of guilt rising in my stomach.  

Was I really being insensitive toward Diana?  Why couldn't I cut her more slack?  It must be so terribly painful and sad to have buried a stillborn.  Maybe I would behave the same way if our circumstances were reversed?  

I tried.  I breathed deeply and I tried to feel otherwise and then I breathed some more.  But there was no change.  I was angry and my resentment had yet to reach its full bloom.  And the more I felt Baby Lily was unwelcome in Tom's extended family, the greater my maternal instinct grew.  

And it surprises me--even now--that the baby I felt no right to claim, should start to feel like mine because of such negative emotion.  I wish my heart had grown under a benevolent force instead.  If only love (or some narrow version of love?) hadn't been birthed by such ugliness. 

But this is the truth of how it was.

To Be Continued... 

# 74: MOTHER OR ACCIDENTAL KIDNAPPER?

PAGE # 74
Friday

12/23/11
3:00 am

Lily was hungry.  She cried out and I rolled over.  I pushed against Tom's arm. 

"Please, honey, please," I begged.  

But Tom would not budge.  Just before bed, he had taken my hands in his and encouraged me to participate more in Lily's care:

"I need you to help with Lily.  You've been avoiding her since we found out about Bobby signing the registry."

Tom was right.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," I said.  "I thought I could do this, I really did, but I can't!  I just can't!  It's too painful.  We can say we're foster parents, but are we?  We might be adopting Lily, and every time I hold her, I fall more in love with her.  But we might be giving her back to Kendra too and so I just can't get too close."

"And if that happens, then we're getting what we prayed for in the first place,"  Tom reminded me.  "This baby girl will get to grow up with her real mom and her big brothers."

"I know!  Of course, I know that!  I'm just trying to protect myself."

Tom sighed.

"Look, Jen, we are not in this to protect ourselves.  We need to give Lily all our love right now whether she is going to be adopted by us or go back to Kendra.  She deserves at least that much."

"I don't know if I can do that.  It's getting too painful."

"It's not about us.  We can't worry about our own feelings right now.  And anyway, she's a baby.  I love babies.  I love all babies," Tom said.  "It doesn't matter if a baby's not mine or not going to be mine.  I can love this baby no matter what.  But I need your help!  You need to help!  We signed up for this together and we need to see this through."

I started to cry.

"Tom, I can't.  I just can't bear to hold her anymore."

"You barely even looked at her all day!"

"I know.  I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry."

Tom had been understanding but firm with me:

"I love you and I know it's hard but you can do this.  You are waking up for the next feeding.  Take Lily to sit by the Christmas tree when you feed her.  She loves to look at the Christmas lights in the middle of the night."

And so, when Lily's cries started to gain more volume, I pushed myself out of bed.  I carried Lily into the family room and turned on the Christmas lights.  I snuggled her close, and saw that Tom was right:  Lily was mesmerized by the tree.  I studied her face as she gazed at the decorations.  I started to cry again, but I forced myself to keep looking.  I watched Lily fall back asleep and kissed her nose.  I sat like that for awhile, not sure who I was anymore.  Mother?  Babysitter?  Mother?  Foster parent?

What would Bobby the biological father think?

I imagined that from his point of view, I would appear to be a kidnapper.

I felt sick.  I carried Lily back to our bedroom, placed her in the bassinet as  quickly as I could without waking her, and hurried back to bed.  I couldn't wait to sleep, to forget, to find some kind of respite in my slumber.

To Be Continued...

# 73: TEXT MESSAGE TRANSCRIPT

PAGE # 73
Thursday

12/22/11
9:55 pm

Everyone was curious about our situation.  I was inundated with calls, text messages, and emails from supportive friends.  And Tracey, our friend who had adopted Ricky through the same attorney, was in constant contact with me.  The following is a transcript of the text messages that passed between us late that night.  

Tracey:  Any updates?

I summarized my earlier conversation with Shelley and described my immediate feelings:

Me:  I don't mind fostering Lily for a month, but I cannot deal with this for a year or more, etc.  I was not doing well at all today.

Tracey:  No!  I don't blame u at all.  I guess wait it out for a month and see where u r???

Me:  Problem is the ongoing nature.  I asked Shelley about the Evan Scott case, and she said she never heard of it.  It was played out on the media, this is her field, there is no way she didn't hear of it!  Happened in Florida!  So that is frustrating too.

Tracey:  Is Shelley hinting for u to get out [of this adoption]? 

Me:  No.  [But] even after the 30 days expire [for the birthfather to contest], it could take another week or so to hear from the court if the birth father filed to contest.  I'd personally like Shelley to contact birth father directly and find out his deal.  Maybe he just wants to know his kid is getting placed with a good family?  Maybe he wants something else?  Who knows?  But Shelley said she wouldn't exercise that route until he completes 3 steps in 30 days.

Tracey:  So what do u think the birthfather's intent is?  Is she [Shelley] saying to wait to see what he does and if he is serious?  Or he simply doesn't know enough to do more?  If the next step is to give her [Kendra] money, why hasn't he yet?

I didn't answer Tracey's questions because I was already typing out this next paragraph:

Me:  Better to give baby back to Kendra, in my opinion, than to risk heartache for Lily and all of us.  This is the stuff Lifetime movies are made of.  I do not want to be the subject of a Lifetime movie!  But we will wait out the 30 days.  If contested, we will get out then.  But, we will be more in love with baby by then too, so is definitely not easy.  Baby is adorable.  Birth mom sent me lovely email yesterday.  Sara starting to act out a bit.  TJ is anxiety ridden.  I ate 10 pounds of Christmas cookies--no joke.  Tom is so in love with this baby--I feel like I'm a little more cautious emotionally than he is.  Poor little baby.

Tracey:  I don't blame you.  When it's meant to be, it will be.  You guys don't need to put yourself thru any legal battles.  It's not necessary.  I feel horrible for Kendra!  First she has to to give her baby up, which is the hardest thing ever, then some loser who abused her is going to make it so she gets the baby back and probably ruin her marriage!

Me:  Yes, that's exactly what he'd be doing.  I'm sure he doesn't care about the baby.  Just wants to ruin adoption to mess up Kendra's life.  Very sad.

Tracey:  Like I said before, if nothing else, you did the best deed of your lifetime.  It will be sad, but you will bounce back.  We lost 18k to some crack whore the first time.  Plus, I was so very desperate to have a baby then, I was heartbroken.  I recovered and adopting Ricky is the best thing I ever did.

Me:  Yes, we have to look at it like that.  Just I'm afraid we'll get attached and lured deeper in and then really be at risk.  So a part of me has to stay a little reserved so that I can plan to just get out if he objects in the 30 day time frame.

Tracey:  It's so sad for Lily.  What a way to start out a life???  Just give her as much love as possible now, no matter what happens...it's the most important thing.  

Me:  Tom said tonight that we could stick thru hearing, but that could take months to get to.  Then, what if he appeals?  Lily could be a year old by then.  Devastating for all and for Sara and TJ too.  I really think we have to get out at the first point if he contests, but Shelley is sooo confident it would be ok.  Is like gambling with all our hearts. 

Tracey:  No.  That's too much on your family.  It's not just you guys, but Sara and TJ too.  

Me:  I need to get refocused.  My bills are piled high, my tasks are far behind.  I've barely even wrapped one Christmas gift.  I am finding it very hard to function normally.  Plus, I'm exhausted taking care of three kids!  Which would be great if I could actually enjoy it.  Look up the Evan Scott case.  That bio dad allegedly abused bio mom during pregnancy too.  We just have to think of this as a good deed for the 30 days. 

Tracey:  This is a pretty big deal.  U need to look at this as fostering right now. Personally, I think it will turn out okay, but how long do you want to stick it out for?  That's the question.  I think I could be okay because I don't get attached that quickly. 

Me:  I'm just afraid of getting lured in deeper.  Tom just exclaimed, "Lily's smiling!"  I told him not to look.  Getting very hard for me.  

Tracey:  Have your limits in place.  Time, money, etc.  I know this sounds harsh, but if it doesn't work with this baby, it will with another.  That's the beauty of adoption.  No doubt, adoption is stressful no matter how you slice it though.

Me:  Yes, I think we have to have clear limits.  Alright, gotta go sleep now, thanks.  Talk to you later.

*** 

I am so grateful that I have real-time records in the form of text messages, emails, and journal notes.  These aid not only in helping me tell this story in accurate detail, but also provide insight into my mental state at the time.

In the above text message transcript, I see recorded proof of my complicated struggle to understand the birthfather's possible motives.  I was all over the place in my assumptions.  In one of the above recorded text messages, I wrote, "I'm sure he doesn't care about the baby.  Just wants to ruin adoption to mess up Kendra's life."  But just moments earlier, during that very same exchange with Tracey, I had written, "Maybe he just wants to know his kid is getting placed with a good family?  Maybe he wants something else?  Who knows?"

Having no magical powers, I could assume nothing.  Sure, I would try on possible motives like garments in a dressing room.  But I never bought any of them.  What I needed was a face-to-face meeting with Lily's biological father.  Just as I had insisted on meeting Kendra, I needed to meet Bobby.  But the attorney would not allow that yet.  As my text message record shows, "Shelley said she wouldn't exercise that route until he completes 3 steps in 30 days."

To Be Continued...  

# 72: LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!

PAGE # 72
Thursday

12/22/11
Approximately 11:00 am

Tom was in charge of the kids while I tried to understand our confusing and complicated situation.  I spent over an hour on the phone with the attorney.  The uncertain future of our adoption situation overwhelmed me with anxiety.  The attorney, in contrast, showed little concern.

"I think you're overreacting," Shelley began.  "Like I told you yesterday, he hasn't even completed all the steps to contest the adoption."

"I understand that, I do, but what I'm trying to understand is why he would sign the registry if he weren't planning to complete the other steps?  I mean, is there some other reason, besides planning to contest an adoption, that would cause a birthfather to sign the registry?  If not, then I really think we ought to start preparing for a contested adoption."

Shelley sighed.  "I think it's too premature to even think like that right now."

"I need to think like this.  I need to prepare for all the possibilities."

"If you are worried about getting too attached to the baby, I could hire a nanny to watch her at my house," Shelley offered.  "I'd charge you a minimal fee for the childcare."

"That's not fair to Lily," I replied.  I couldn't imagine handing Lily over to some unknown babysitter.  "We're trying to give her the best start she can get, whether we end up adopting her or not."

"Okay then," Shelley said.  "But just know that the offer still stands if you change your mind."

"I'm not going to change my mind about that.  I'm just trying to psychologically prepare."

"Look, even if that interloper does follow through and contest--which is highly unlikely--we don't just give up.  I'd file a motion to terminate his parental rights.  Of course, the judge would need to grant due process and give him his day in court.  But he'd never get the baby."

My head was spinning.  Sure, it was all hypothetical then.  But Shelley spoke as if we were simply making alternate travel arrangements in the event of inclement weather.  This was no vacation!  There were lives and families at stake!  

I tried to comfort myself with the following thoughts:

It won't come to a legal battle anyway.  We have a back-up plan.  Kendra takes the baby back if the adoption gets contested.  

But then new worries emerged:  

"What if the birthfather doesn't contest the adoption within the 30 days but does so a year from now?"  I asked Shelley.

"Exactly one year after the adoption is finalized, no one can contest it for any reason."

"But it will take another 6 months to finalize!  That's a full year and a half from now!  Are you saying we could live with this kind of uncertainty for that long?"

"That's highly unlikely.  My adoptions are almost never contested."

"Well, how many of them are?"

"Not many.  And I've won all of those cases anyway."

"What about the case of Evan Scott?  I was reading about it all night.  His case got dragged out for years."

"I never heard of that case."

"You can't be serious!" I exclaimed.  "It was right here in Florida.  My friends who have nothing to do with adoption remember the news coverage."

"Well, I don't know of that case."

"But it shows there is a possibility that an adoption case could get drawn out for years!  And that there's no way to predict the court ruling!"

"I don't know the case, but it was probably just a matter of shitty lawyering.  I really wish you'd start reading my cases instead.  You need to read up on my "Baby A" case.  I won it at the Supreme Court level.  You needn't be worried."

"Oh my God!  I don't want to end up in the Supreme Court!"

"That's highly unlikely.  It's highly unlikely he'll even contest the adoption.  In a few weeks, we'll know for sure when his time runs out."

I didn't believe Shelley for a second.  She had to know of the Evan Scott case.  It had been local news and pertained to her area of legal practice.  What a liar!  

My hand was sore from clenching the phone.  My chest felt even tighter, and my heart was beating more rapidly than if I'd just run a race.

I did not trust our attorney.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire!

This childhood phrase came to mind, and led me to my next thought:

I want to fire our attorney.

But I didn't know if that was even possible.  She had claimed to represent us--not Kendra and not the baby.  And even though Lily was in our care, she had been legally relinquished to the attorney.  The attorney was, in fact, her legal guardian at the moment.  We had no legal claim to Lily.  And if I tried to hire a new attorney, what would happen to Lily then?

To Be Continued...

# 71: THE CASE OF EVAN SCOTT

                        Evan Scott's case took years in court!

PAGE # 71
Wednesday

12/21/11
Evening till late at night!


I was on a research mission.  Armed with my computer and a tub of Christmas cookies, I spent hours on Google trying to find information on contested adoption cases.  I found the case of Evan Scott, and this particular adoption disaster seemed to heed a warning, especially as some of the initial circumstances surrounding the child's early relinquishment seemed to mirror our situation:

1)  Evan's biological mother was physically abused by the birthfather during the pregnancy.  According to reports, she was even hospitalized following the attack.  The biological father was arrested.

In our case, Kendra claimed to have been physically assaulted by bio-dad during pregnancy.  Bio-dad was still awaiting his day in court to face these charges.

2)  Evan Scott got placed with prospective adoptive parents immediately following his birth.  The bio dad contested the adoption, but the prospective adoptive parents pursued a legal battle and retained custody of Evan during the lengthy court proceedings.

In our case, bio-dad had not officially contested the adoption, but he had signed the putative father registry.  I imagined he would complete all necessary steps to contest the adoption altogether.  

3)  Reports indicate that Evan Scott was to return to his birthmother if the adoption got contested.  (Please note that some news reports claim that no such plan was ever made between the birthmother and the prospective adoptive parents).

In our case, we had the very same plan!  Kendra would take Lily back if bio-dad contested the adoption.

4)  In the Evan Scott case, it seems the prospective adoptive parents did not simply return Evan to his natural mother once the bio-dad contested the adoption (and he did so within his legal time frame).  The birthmother wanted her son returned, but the case went to court and took OVER THREE AND A HALF YEARS to be decided.  To watch video footage of Evan's return to his natural mother, click here.

In our case, I had every intention of returning Lily to Kendra if bio-dad contested the adoption.  That was the plan.  

5)  Evan Scott would not even remain with his bio-mother.  He would go on to get abused by his stepfather; in turn, Evan's biological father would finally get custody of him in the spring of 2006, when Evan reached the age of five!

In our case, there was NO WAY I would allow Baby Lily to suffer even the possibility of getting thrown around for years.  NO WAY.  If bio-dad contested the adoption, I would be sad, but I would return her to Kendra.  She had two older half-brothers waiting for her.

6)  The Evan Scott case occurred in our home state.  There was, in fact, recent legal precedent of a child getting returned to the natural family after YEARS of court proceedings.  I planned to ask Shelley about the Evan Scott case the following morning.  

To Be Continued...

***

For more information on the case of Evan Scott, please see the following links:

Click here

And here

Also here

# 70: "I AM THE DADDY!"

PAGE # 70
Wednesday

12/21/11
Approximately 5:30 pm


I was wrapping Christmas presents when Shelley called: 

"I don't have good news."

"Okay," I said and waited to hear it.

"The interloper has signed the putative father registry."

It took me a moment to decipher the attorney's words.

"The bio dad signed the registry?  Meaning he has legally documented that he believes he is the father of Lily?" I asked for clarification.

"Yes."

"So what does this mean?"

"Well, it means he's trying to mess things up for Kendra.  He doesn't want this baby--he's just trying to mess up her life!"

"But maybe he really does want his baby?"  

I could practically see Shelley scowl over the phone.  Her words sounded like they maneuvered through a tight grimace; moreover, Shelley's tone indicated disgust with me:

"Now.  Wait a minute.  There is no evidence that he actually wants his baby.  Why would he want this baby?  Why would he want to support a child--he's a young guy."

"Maybe he just wants his baby cause it's his baby?"

"Now hold on, Jennifer!  If he wanted his baby, he would've done everything he needed to do to stop the adoption from happening.  It's not that hard.  He needed to to do three things.  Signing the putative father registry is only one of the three steps."

Shelley was becoming more and more agitated with my line of questioning.  And I was paying $500 an hour for these phone sessions!  Still, I pressed on:

"Okay, Shelley.  Please remind me of the other two steps then."

"As I've already told you...he needed to give her money to demonstrate financial support during the pregnancy.  He hasn't given her a penny!  All he'd need to do is send her a check for a hundred bucks, but he's sent nothing!"

"What if he sent her money but Kendra never got it?  And doesn't she have a restraining order against him?  Is he even allowed to send her mail?"

"Jennifer!  It's not just the money!  He also needs to submit a signed affidavit attesting to his ability and intent to raise a child!  He has not done that!"

"Is it possible that he doesn't know what he needs to do?"

"He was served legal papers before Lily's birth!  Everything he needed to know was in those papers!"

I thought about legal paperwork.  It's often confusing and difficult to read.

"Please bear with me Shelley, but is it possible that he was unable to fully comprehend the paperwork?"

"Well, then he could have sought his own legal counsel."

"Maybe he doesn't have the money to hire an attorney?"

"Jennifer!  You are not the lawyer here.  Please, you need to relax and let me handle the lawyering.  There is no way that man is ever getting this baby!  No way!  It's the letter of the law!"

To Be Continued...    

# 69: STAYING CONNECTED TO BABY'S BIRTHMOTHER (REVISED POST)

PAGE # 69
Wednesday

12/21/11
Morning

I got up feeling refreshed after a pretty decent night's sleep.  Baby Lily woke for feedings after generous blocks of time--at least 4 hours--and Tom and I split the work 50/50.  She was the easiest baby we ever had.

I couldn't wait to write Kendra, but when I sat down at my computer that morning, I felt immobilized.  What was okay/not okay to write to Lily's birthmother? Ultimately, I followed the recommended adoption etiquette by adhering to the social worker's script for "chatting with your baby's birthmother."  At exactly 10:10 am, I sent this email to Kendra:

Baby Lily continues to do great!  She is an awesome eater and drinks her formula like a champion.  She is pretty sleepy much of the time--the pediatrician said to expect a lot more sleep with formula.  The Dr. was very pleased that she got the colostrum too.  Her color continues to look great--with her rosy and fair complexion, she totally blends in with all of us.  She is a great baby!

I hope your OBGYN appointment went well, and that your breast infection is getting better fast.  Did they start you on the antibiotics?

All the best,

Jennifer :)

I checked my email constantly until a response arrived from Kendra at 11:09 am.  Her note was upbeat and thankful, and she expressed only positive sentiments.  It was filled with all good news:

1)  Her breast infection was much improved.
2)  Her in-laws called to invite her along on their Christmas vacation.  She accepted and would be traveling in a few days.
3)  She expressed deep gratitude and thanks toward Tom and I (Shelley too) and was pleased with how everything had turned out, including that she remained connected to us.

My reaction to Kendra's letter was a happy one, but I was also surprised that Kendra would be traveling soon.  Johnny had planned to cancel the annual holiday with his parents; apparently, he had not.  Although the in-laws ended up inviting Kendra along (the original plan did not include Kendra and meant she would be spending Christmas alone without her husband, either of her two boys, or her just relinquished newborn), I considered this a defeat for Kendra.  In the hospital, before her husband had agreed to cancel the trip altogether, Kendra had shared that she didn't want to travel, even if she were to be invited along:

"His family is super fancy.  They go to restaurants where we have to get all dressed up.  I wouldn't be feeling up to that even if I were invited.  I'm exhausted.  I just don't want to be without my boys for Christmas."

Now, Kendra would be packing for a trip less than a week after giving birth!  With a breast infection on top of it all!  After giving away her baby!

I thought it was all too much.

But...the last two paragraphs of Kendra's email were reassuring and comforting.  I felt good after reading them.  Now, I wonder whether Kendra was getting any coaching from the attorney and/or social worker on her end.  Maybe someone had given her some instruction on "how to talk to your baby's prospective adoptive parents after relinquishment!" 

Or...perhaps Kendra was trying to please us, trying to remain a "good" birthmother lest we cut off all contact with her?

As the day progressed, I reread Kendra's email--to myself, to Tom, to my mother, to various friends.  Kendra's words rolled easily off my tongue:

"I hope everything continues to go well!"

Things would not.



To Be Continued...