# 45: JENNIFER'S LETTERS

PAGE # 45

Saturday
7/28/12
Late Afternoon


Dear Jennifer of December 2011,


I am writing from the future too late, but lost time is no excuse for further procrastination. And though this note cannot stop the events as they pertained to the adoption of Baby Lily, well then, perhaps it can prevent some other ignorant prospective adoptive parent from falling prey to similar grievances.


Jennifer!


You will not believe what I am about to tell you:  After so much worry as to whether Kendra was getting coerced into an adoption plan, YOU will feel coerced into an adoption plan.


A few hours after Baby Lily's birth, Kendra will tell you alleged stories about the birth father and you will become frightened of him.  You will believe these stories without question, at least for some time, because they will help you reconcile your own ideas about motherhood (how could anyone give up her baby?) with Kendra's decision (giving up baby equals saving baby).  Without Kendra's tale of terror, it will be near impossible for you to fathom Kendra's choice of adoption for her newborn.    


Unfortunately, as the tale of terror convinces you that Kendra has a valid reason for choosing adoption, the tale of terror will also terrorize you.  You will feel manipulated and lied to, as the adoption attorney certainly did not depict the birth father to be quite as threatening as Kendra will describe.


You will feel bad for both Kendra and her baby and want to help them, but you will also feel some resentment toward the whole situation--you, who have worked so hard to overcome a family history of abuse, will find yourself thrown into the domestic violence drama of total strangers.  You will want to run away, but because you made a commitment to Kendra and her baby, you will feel trapped.  A potentially dangerous and definitely volatile situation will collide with your otherwise quiet domestic life, and you will feel obligated to accept it into your arms, your home, your very heart.


You will be blindsided because you will have focused too much on Kendra's well being.  You will fail to consider your own vulnerability.  No--you will consider it, but far too briefly.


You will feel like you must take care of Kendra's baby, even though the situation with the birth father scares you.  You will feel like it's too late to back out.  And you will want to protect Baby Lily from any danger.  


You will take Baby Lily home and you will love her.  And even after that, the adoption attorney will victimize your entire family with more lies, manipulation, and emotional blackmail.  You will have to make very hard decisions without ever knowing the truth.  You will be morally tested and it will hurt.


You will wish it never happened at all.  


But it will happen.


And though it will be too late for this letter, you will write it anyway.


In fact, it will be too late for all of you.  At least one person will become lost.  And at least one person will not survive.  Your own brush with grief will be minimal, relatively speaking.


It will happen.


You must write of it.


Sincerely,
Jennifer of this very moment in time

# 8: IS SOMEONE FORCING BIRTH MOM INTO THIS ADOPTION PLAN?

PAGE # 8


Tuesday

12/6/11

10:09 am

Was Kendra, the birth mother, open to meeting us?  Our friend, Tracey, was curious too.

I sent Tracey this reply via text message:

Not sure if she will meet us.  Tom and I are worried that she might be getting coerced by her husband (not same man as birth father) and by her parents.  The attorney told us that Kendra is very worried about her 5 year old who is expecting this baby sister.  I mean, she already has 2 kids.  I don't know how she can go through with this.  If she doesn't, that's fine.  Of course!  But we are worried she will follow through out of coercion and then be traumatized.  I think it is a positive sign if Kendra requires meeting us.  Or maybe she wants a closed adoption because it is too painful for her?  I don't know.  I don't have any experience with this yet.  We are meeting with the attorney at 3:00.  I am feeling bad for the birth mother and her 2 boys who have been anticipating a baby sister.  I am strange.

Tracey texted me back:

I felt really bad for Ricky's birth mom too.  Being a mom, how can you not?  It is sad for her.  It's the worst thing she can go through.  I remember thinking that it was such a happy moment for us, but so sad for her.  It will be sad no matter who you adopt from.  There is no perfect situation.

I was thankful for Tracey's understanding.  Thank God I had a friend who had just been through this!  

Adoption triggers complex and ambivalent emotions in all of the involved persons.  The former psychotherapist in me later (much later) recognized that part of my concern for Kendra, was my unconscious attempt to bury any negative feelings I had toward her.  Because the truth, honestly, was that I could not understand.  I could not understand why any mother, in any situation, would give away her own child.  I would rather die.

I was uncomfortable feeling this way.  I strive to have empathy for others.  Plus, if she followed through with the adoption plan, and actually gave us her baby, I'd also be thankful beyond belief.  

How could I reconcile gratitude with contempt?  

I NEEDED to meet Kendra.  I did not want to hate this baby's biological mother.  I wanted to connect with her, to have some sense of what it meant to be her.  And more likely than not, this baby would someday want the same answers to the very same questions.