# 25: THE BIRTH PLAN

PAGE # 25

Monday

12/12/11

7:30 pm


Our dog, Jersey, was rolling around on the front lawn.  We did not want to discuss the details of Kendra's birth plan right outside our front door.  Just in case TJ appeared without warning.

"Come on Jersey!" I tugged at the leash.

We were quiet until we walked past three or four houses.

"Did she make sure no one is forcing Kendra into this?" Tom asked me.  

Tom was referring to my earlier phone conversation with the social worker, Paula.  

"Yeah, she claims that Kendra demonstrates more thoughtfulness and clarity than any other birth mom she has ever worked with.  Paula said she was really impressed with how deeply Kendra has processed the adoption plan."

Jersey ran around me.  I got tangled up in his leash for a minute and had to unravel myself before I could continue.

"Kendra initially planned on keeping the baby in the nursery, but now has decided to keep the baby in the room with her.  She's decided it's better to spend time with her before saying goodbye," I explained.  

I took a deep breath and continued:

"So, I asked Paula whether we could have an open adoption.  I mean, we only live a half hour away.  If she really can't take care of the baby, I don't see why that has to mean goodbye."

Tom was in full agreement with me.  But the social worker had not been:

"Look, Jennifer, that kind of arrangement requires a lot of advance planning and tremendous maturity from all the involved persons."

"But you just said that Kendra is the most processed birth mother that you've ever worked with," I had challenged.

"Yes, but I meant in terms of her decision making process.  Her marriage needs a lot of work.  They have a lot of growing up to do.  I don't think an open adoption would be advisable in this situation."

I was confused. 

"So, you're saying that an open adoption only works if the birth mother has her life together?  But if that were the case, why would such a birth mother be placing her kid for adoption in the first place?  I'm sorry, Paula, but I'm just not understanding why Kendra is not a good candidate for an open adoption."

Paula sounded apologetic: 

"Forgive me if I'm not making myself clear," she started.  "What I'm trying to say is that Kendra and her husband have a lot to work out.  I don't know if their marriage will make it.  And they already have two little boys. I don't think the complexity of their situation would be fair to anyone right now."

When I reiterated this part of the conversation to Tom, he stated that no one can know the inside of another couple's marriage.  

"I think Paula's an okay lady," Tom added, "But there's no way she can predict the future of their marriage.  And she's totally underestimating us.  We've been married for almost 17 years.  And we've been through a lot.  If any couple could make an open adoption work, I think we could."

"I think so too, but we still don't know if that's what Kendra wants."

"Can't we just call her and find out?" Tom asked.  "Why does everything have to go through Shelley and Paula?"

"I don't know," I said.  "Jim and Tracey used to talk to Ricky's birth mother every day.  They even did stuff together."  

"Yeah, I remember that," Tom said. 

"And I even asked if I should call Kendra, but Paula said not to.  That Kendra is tired and uncomfortable.  That this is a different situation than other birth mothers because Kendra already has two kids she is busy taking care of.  It kind of sounded like Kendra doesn't want to talk to us right now."

"Well, we have to respect her privacy then," Tom said.

Jersey was pulling me back toward our driveway, but I wasn't ready to go inside yet.  

"Maybe we'd be putting too much pressure on Kendra if we reached out to her?  I mean, if I were about to place my baby for adoption, would I really want to deal with some other couple's questions and stuff?  It might be too intrusive," I suggested.  

"I think we need to follow Kendra's lead," Tom said.  "This is her baby and her decision.  She needs to be in control of everything."

We walked up our driveway.  Jersey was trying to run inside.  He wanted his evening treat, but I wasn't finished describing the birth plan:

"Paula also said that Kendra wants us at the hospital."

"In the delivery room?" Tom's eyes were wide.

"No, no.  Nothing like that," I said.  "I guess she means in the waiting room."

"I can't imagine it," Tom said.

"I can't either," I admitted.

"She's not going to give away her baby," Tom decided.  "My parents don't think so either," Tom added.  "I mean, it's a little girl!  She has her two boys.  She can't give away her little girl!"

We sat down in the chairs just outside our front door.  

"Maybe she's just trying to show the husband that she will do anything to reconcile the marriage?" I wondered.  "But then, when the baby comes, maybe she's secretly hoping that her husband will say to keep her?" 

Tom nodded his head.  

"That's plausible.  Or...maybe she's still in love with the bio dad!  And hoping he comes to her rescue.  Didn't you notice how proud she looked when she showed us his picture?  I think she still loves him."

"I don't know about that.  She has a restraining order against him!"

"So what?" Tom countered.  "You're the one always saying how an abusive attachment can be more powerful than any other kind."

He was right.  We couldn't dismiss the possibility that Kendra was using the adoption plan as a ploy to try and win back her lover.  Anything was possible.

"Oh my God!  I totally forgot to tell you something else!"  I exclaimed.  

"What?"

I undid Jersey's leash and let him back inside.  But he'd have to wait for his treat.  I couldn't bring this conversation indoors yet--I didn't want to talk about this in front of our kids.

"Kendra's husband is taking their two boys away for Christmas.  With his parents.  And Kendra is NOT invited."

Tom almost fell over.

"What?  You mean to tell me that Kendra's husband is going to abandon her for the holidays? And take away her two kids?  Right after she gives birth and gives away her little girl for adoption?"

"Yes, it's horrible, I know."

"Well, that right there...see...that right there...," Tom could hardly speak, he was so indignant.  "She's giving up a baby and he's going to leave her in the aftermath?  And that's how he plans to reconcile the marriage?"

"It's horrible, I know," I repeated.  

"I don't like this at all," Tom said.  "If that's the case, how can we really be sure that Kendra is sure?  I mean, she is getting abandoned at Christmas!  He's punishing her!"

"You're right."

"We have to talk to them in the hospital.  Forget Shelley and Paula."

"Definitely," I agreed.  "There's no way we're taking this baby home unless we're certain that this is really what Kendra wants."

And that's how Tom and I settled on our own version of a birth plan.