# 45: JENNIFER'S LETTERS

PAGE # 45

Saturday
7/28/12
Late Afternoon


Dear Jennifer of December 2011,


I am writing from the future too late, but lost time is no excuse for further procrastination. And though this note cannot stop the events as they pertained to the adoption of Baby Lily, well then, perhaps it can prevent some other ignorant prospective adoptive parent from falling prey to similar grievances.


Jennifer!


You will not believe what I am about to tell you:  After so much worry as to whether Kendra was getting coerced into an adoption plan, YOU will feel coerced into an adoption plan.


A few hours after Baby Lily's birth, Kendra will tell you alleged stories about the birth father and you will become frightened of him.  You will believe these stories without question, at least for some time, because they will help you reconcile your own ideas about motherhood (how could anyone give up her baby?) with Kendra's decision (giving up baby equals saving baby).  Without Kendra's tale of terror, it will be near impossible for you to fathom Kendra's choice of adoption for her newborn.    


Unfortunately, as the tale of terror convinces you that Kendra has a valid reason for choosing adoption, the tale of terror will also terrorize you.  You will feel manipulated and lied to, as the adoption attorney certainly did not depict the birth father to be quite as threatening as Kendra will describe.


You will feel bad for both Kendra and her baby and want to help them, but you will also feel some resentment toward the whole situation--you, who have worked so hard to overcome a family history of abuse, will find yourself thrown into the domestic violence drama of total strangers.  You will want to run away, but because you made a commitment to Kendra and her baby, you will feel trapped.  A potentially dangerous and definitely volatile situation will collide with your otherwise quiet domestic life, and you will feel obligated to accept it into your arms, your home, your very heart.


You will be blindsided because you will have focused too much on Kendra's well being.  You will fail to consider your own vulnerability.  No--you will consider it, but far too briefly.


You will feel like you must take care of Kendra's baby, even though the situation with the birth father scares you.  You will feel like it's too late to back out.  And you will want to protect Baby Lily from any danger.  


You will take Baby Lily home and you will love her.  And even after that, the adoption attorney will victimize your entire family with more lies, manipulation, and emotional blackmail.  You will have to make very hard decisions without ever knowing the truth.  You will be morally tested and it will hurt.


You will wish it never happened at all.  


But it will happen.


And though it will be too late for this letter, you will write it anyway.


In fact, it will be too late for all of you.  At least one person will become lost.  And at least one person will not survive.  Your own brush with grief will be minimal, relatively speaking.


It will happen.


You must write of it.


Sincerely,
Jennifer of this very moment in time

# 29: THE UNSENT LETTERS: DEAR BIRTH MOTHER,

PAGE # 29

Sunday

5/6/12

10:00 pm


Dear Birth Mother,


If you are considering an adoption plan for your unborn child, I sincerely hope you read this blog first.  If anyone is telling you that another couple is more fit to parent your child, because of money, or age, or whatever, please remember that all couples have problems.  


I shared an inside view of what my own marriage looked like a few days before the birth of our prospective adoptive child (see previous two blog posts).  Our marriage is imperfect.  All marriages are.  In fact, a couple may adopt your child, only to get divorced later.  Or worse.  As my husband always says, "No one can see the inside of another couple's marriage."


It's unlikely that the people in your personal life are encouraging you to keep your baby.  If they were, you probably wouldn't be considering the adoption option in the first place.  And the people working in the adoption industry are not going to tell you to try and keep your baby.  They want to make money.


Have faith in yourself to parent your child.  If you are considering placing your child for adoption because you have been told that your child will be better off, think again.  I think this is the worst insult to a woman.  And you deserve to know that you are strong and capable.  There is no power greater than motherhood.


Sincerely,
Jennifer
Former Prospective Adoptive Parent
Now a Concerned Citizen

Who Worries About The Coercion of Vulnerable, Pregnant Women

# 15: HOW WE ENDED UP FACE TO FACE WITH OUR BIRTH MOTHER: WORMHOLES & OTHER THEORIES

PAGE # 15

Wednesday

12/7/11

9:15 am

When Tom answered the adoption attorney's phone call that morning, I was certain of two things:

1. I hated the attorney.  She was Satan with a bad, blond makeover.
2. I was afraid of the birth father.  He was Satan too.  He killed animals and posted their bloody corpses online as his profile picture.

While different world religions have argued for and against monotheism (the belief in one and only one God), I've always worried more about the ontology of evil.  Is there just one Satan?  Or many?  

Clearly, I had uncovered the existence of two (at least two!) Satans.  

Therefore, how can any reasonable person explain what happened next?  


Tom and I not only reversed our decision to back away from this adoption, but by 11:00 am, that very same morning, we were face-to-face with a pregnant woman!  It just doesn't make sense.  It's unfathomable.  


Even as I write this, I am sure I suffered some serious insult to my brain that, in turn, also impacted my autobiographical memory.  I have retrograde amnesia.  I cannot claim to recall, for sure, how we traveled from a definite "NO WAY!" to a meeting with Kendra, the biological mother, in a mere few hours.  

But, I do have some theories:

1. There was a wormhole in my house that day.  We got sucked in and it dumped us out at the attorney's office.
2. Tom and I were suffering from a severe form of insanity that targeted us both.  Simultaneously.  
3. Perhaps a third Satan (a lurking variable of unknown identity!) brought us there.

But the truth, at least the murky pieces I'm able to remember, is not so sensational.  It was really very simple.  We ignored our gut instincts; we stopped thinking rationally.  We succumbed to temptation when Shelley, the attorney, said:

"Just come meet the birth mother.  You don't have to decide anything yet.  But this is a once in a lifetime opportunity if you are really hoping to adopt.  You guys are new to the adoption process and you don't know it this moment, but two or three years from now, you are going to regret it, if you just walk away, without even meeting Kendra first.  Just come meet her.  Then make your decision."

We stopped thinking about our (more my) personal distaste for the attorney.  We exorcised all images of scary bio dad from our heads.  We opted for hope instead.  We chose life.  We settled on a baby!  We decided to get a little adventurous.

After all, isn't every adoption bound to be filled with drama and uncertainty?  Babies aren't given away to complete strangers because things are, well, to put it bluntly, happening under normal circumstances. 

We dressed quickly (no time to ponder a wardrobe change!) and set out to meet our Baby Mama!