# 26: BUT MY TUMMY'S NOT BROKEN...HIS LITTLE HEART IS!

PAGE # 26

Monday

12/12/11

Probably around 11:30 pm


There's no easy way to differentiate whether Tom is actually sleeping or merely trying to.  He's a darn light sleeper--even the slightest whisper has the potential to wake him.  Sometimes I just put my face up close near his and open my eyes real wide.  If he's awake, he can sense I'm looking at him and will usually answer with an exhausted, "What now?" And if he's asleep--well, at least my nocturnal stare is not powerful enough to disturb the man.  I consider it one of my best communication strategies.  


On this night, however, I was staring wide-eyed at Tom, but he was not responding.  I cheated a little by blowing on his nose, but he was either in an unusually deep slumber or had simply had enough of me for the night.


I rolled back over toward my side of the bed, but I couldn't fall asleep.  I was thinking about a lie--and even though it was probably no big deal--it was troublesome enough to keep me awake.  


The day we met Kendra and Johnny at the attorney's office, Kendra cried on behalf of her 5 year-old son, Alex.  He was struggling to understand the adoption plan.  Why wasn't his baby sister going to live with them?  


Shelley, the attorney, had addressed this by suggesting the following:

"You just explain to him that another mommy has a broken tummy and..."

"I'm not infertile," I interjected.

"But a pregnancy would be dangerous for you, right?" Shelley inquired.

"Well, the doctors aren't saying that it would be dangerous for me.  No one has said I can't have another pregnancy.  I just have really hard pregnancies.  I have tons of huge fibroid tumors and really bad nausea and vomiting," I clarified.  

(I've suffered a bunch of uncomfortable symptoms since my last pregnancy, mostly due to some complicated endocrine problems, but no medical professional has declared me infertile.) 

"Fibroids!" Shelley exclaimed.  "I almost died during my pregnancy because of fibroids," the attorney said.  "I almost bled to death."

 I lost track of what Shelley said next.  I'm sure I did because I remember thinking how I never knew fibroids could be that bad.  They caused a lot of pain and gave me an irritable uterus (actual medical terminology), but had I really escaped a possible hemorrhage?  


Then, earlier on this day, Paula helped Kendra explain the adoption to Alex.  And she used Shelley's broken tummy tale.

"But that's not true!" I nearly shouted into the phone.  "I made it clear to Shelley--and in front of Kendra too--that we're not adopting because of infertility.  Did Shelley tell you I'm infertile?"

I did not want to be misrepresented to Kendra.  What if she didn't want to give her baby to someone who could potentially bear another biological child?  What if she only wanted a couple who was struggling with infertility?  I was happy Kendra picked us, but I did not want to be chosen under false pretenses.  And honestly, as much as I disliked the attorney, I really didn't think (at least back then) she had purposely lied about my fertility status.  I figured she probably dealt mainly with infertile couples and had made an honest mistake.  

"I don't like that, Paula.  It's not true."

"Kendra knows that.  But this was a developmentally appropriate way of explaining the adoption to her son.  This is not an ethical problem.  It's just the best way of explaining the loss of his baby sister."

I had dropped the issue after Paula provided the rationale for the falsehood.  Me and my broken tummy.  Okay.     


But that night, as I tried to fall asleep, the long term implications of such a lie struck me. What if Kendra agreed to an open adoption?  I hoped this baby girl could grow up knowing her two brothers.  But wouldn't Alex, the 5 year-old, despise me?  Why should someone take away his baby sister because of a broken tummy?  Perhaps he would worry about being given away himself?  Would he develop a fear of women with wounded abdomens?


Even now, I can get a bit wild with my imagination.  Best case scenario: Alex grows up to be an abdominal surgeon.  Worst case:  He's already throwing toy dolls out the window.  And I mean Barbie type dolls--not baby dolls.  I'm worried all this might inflict a severe case of misogyny.  


I understand that the reader might find my thought process somewhat ridiculous.  On the other hand, a five year old has hardly any power or control over his life, his surroundings, the people he is exposed to.  A five year old doesn't even like to share a toy!  How dare anyone usurp that boy's absolutely appropriate grief and suggest he have empathy for some strange woman!  


I get that the circumstances of his sister's conception were beyond the little boy's comprehension.  But really?  Was it really developmentally appropriate to tell this to the boy?    


I intended to discuss it with my husband.  And with my friend Crystal.  But now, I can't recall if I discussed the issue with either of them.  It was all just so much.  I wasn't prepared for this experience--the process of adopting was not matching up with what I had envisioned.  And a  lot of the details are only coming to me now, months later, as I'm writing about it. 


It's almost like I suffered from a case of psychogenic amnesia.  Memory is crashing in on me and I can't write fast enough now.


And I have a therapy background, resources, a support system.    


What about Kendra? 

# 25: THE BIRTH PLAN

PAGE # 25

Monday

12/12/11

7:30 pm


Our dog, Jersey, was rolling around on the front lawn.  We did not want to discuss the details of Kendra's birth plan right outside our front door.  Just in case TJ appeared without warning.

"Come on Jersey!" I tugged at the leash.

We were quiet until we walked past three or four houses.

"Did she make sure no one is forcing Kendra into this?" Tom asked me.  

Tom was referring to my earlier phone conversation with the social worker, Paula.  

"Yeah, she claims that Kendra demonstrates more thoughtfulness and clarity than any other birth mom she has ever worked with.  Paula said she was really impressed with how deeply Kendra has processed the adoption plan."

Jersey ran around me.  I got tangled up in his leash for a minute and had to unravel myself before I could continue.

"Kendra initially planned on keeping the baby in the nursery, but now has decided to keep the baby in the room with her.  She's decided it's better to spend time with her before saying goodbye," I explained.  

I took a deep breath and continued:

"So, I asked Paula whether we could have an open adoption.  I mean, we only live a half hour away.  If she really can't take care of the baby, I don't see why that has to mean goodbye."

Tom was in full agreement with me.  But the social worker had not been:

"Look, Jennifer, that kind of arrangement requires a lot of advance planning and tremendous maturity from all the involved persons."

"But you just said that Kendra is the most processed birth mother that you've ever worked with," I had challenged.

"Yes, but I meant in terms of her decision making process.  Her marriage needs a lot of work.  They have a lot of growing up to do.  I don't think an open adoption would be advisable in this situation."

I was confused. 

"So, you're saying that an open adoption only works if the birth mother has her life together?  But if that were the case, why would such a birth mother be placing her kid for adoption in the first place?  I'm sorry, Paula, but I'm just not understanding why Kendra is not a good candidate for an open adoption."

Paula sounded apologetic: 

"Forgive me if I'm not making myself clear," she started.  "What I'm trying to say is that Kendra and her husband have a lot to work out.  I don't know if their marriage will make it.  And they already have two little boys. I don't think the complexity of their situation would be fair to anyone right now."

When I reiterated this part of the conversation to Tom, he stated that no one can know the inside of another couple's marriage.  

"I think Paula's an okay lady," Tom added, "But there's no way she can predict the future of their marriage.  And she's totally underestimating us.  We've been married for almost 17 years.  And we've been through a lot.  If any couple could make an open adoption work, I think we could."

"I think so too, but we still don't know if that's what Kendra wants."

"Can't we just call her and find out?" Tom asked.  "Why does everything have to go through Shelley and Paula?"

"I don't know," I said.  "Jim and Tracey used to talk to Ricky's birth mother every day.  They even did stuff together."  

"Yeah, I remember that," Tom said. 

"And I even asked if I should call Kendra, but Paula said not to.  That Kendra is tired and uncomfortable.  That this is a different situation than other birth mothers because Kendra already has two kids she is busy taking care of.  It kind of sounded like Kendra doesn't want to talk to us right now."

"Well, we have to respect her privacy then," Tom said.

Jersey was pulling me back toward our driveway, but I wasn't ready to go inside yet.  

"Maybe we'd be putting too much pressure on Kendra if we reached out to her?  I mean, if I were about to place my baby for adoption, would I really want to deal with some other couple's questions and stuff?  It might be too intrusive," I suggested.  

"I think we need to follow Kendra's lead," Tom said.  "This is her baby and her decision.  She needs to be in control of everything."

We walked up our driveway.  Jersey was trying to run inside.  He wanted his evening treat, but I wasn't finished describing the birth plan:

"Paula also said that Kendra wants us at the hospital."

"In the delivery room?" Tom's eyes were wide.

"No, no.  Nothing like that," I said.  "I guess she means in the waiting room."

"I can't imagine it," Tom said.

"I can't either," I admitted.

"She's not going to give away her baby," Tom decided.  "My parents don't think so either," Tom added.  "I mean, it's a little girl!  She has her two boys.  She can't give away her little girl!"

We sat down in the chairs just outside our front door.  

"Maybe she's just trying to show the husband that she will do anything to reconcile the marriage?" I wondered.  "But then, when the baby comes, maybe she's secretly hoping that her husband will say to keep her?" 

Tom nodded his head.  

"That's plausible.  Or...maybe she's still in love with the bio dad!  And hoping he comes to her rescue.  Didn't you notice how proud she looked when she showed us his picture?  I think she still loves him."

"I don't know about that.  She has a restraining order against him!"

"So what?" Tom countered.  "You're the one always saying how an abusive attachment can be more powerful than any other kind."

He was right.  We couldn't dismiss the possibility that Kendra was using the adoption plan as a ploy to try and win back her lover.  Anything was possible.

"Oh my God!  I totally forgot to tell you something else!"  I exclaimed.  

"What?"

I undid Jersey's leash and let him back inside.  But he'd have to wait for his treat.  I couldn't bring this conversation indoors yet--I didn't want to talk about this in front of our kids.

"Kendra's husband is taking their two boys away for Christmas.  With his parents.  And Kendra is NOT invited."

Tom almost fell over.

"What?  You mean to tell me that Kendra's husband is going to abandon her for the holidays? And take away her two kids?  Right after she gives birth and gives away her little girl for adoption?"

"Yes, it's horrible, I know."

"Well, that right there...see...that right there...," Tom could hardly speak, he was so indignant.  "She's giving up a baby and he's going to leave her in the aftermath?  And that's how he plans to reconcile the marriage?"

"It's horrible, I know," I repeated.  

"I don't like this at all," Tom said.  "If that's the case, how can we really be sure that Kendra is sure?  I mean, she is getting abandoned at Christmas!  He's punishing her!"

"You're right."

"We have to talk to them in the hospital.  Forget Shelley and Paula."

"Definitely," I agreed.  "There's no way we're taking this baby home unless we're certain that this is really what Kendra wants."

And that's how Tom and I settled on our own version of a birth plan.

# 24: HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE PUTATIVE FATHER REGISTRY?

WAKE UP DAD!
There's a man at the door who says you forgot to sign the putative father registry.
And now some weird family is gonna come and adopt me!

PAGE # 24

Monday

12/12/11

2:30 pm

"Jennifer!  Hi, it's Paula." 

 The social worker sounded enthusiastic.  I could practically hear the smile on her face.  I moved into the living room, the only spot in my house with decent cell phone signal. 

"Hi Paula," I replied.

"I just left my meeting with Kendra and Johnny.  Jennifer, I have to tell you, I believe she is going through with this," Paula stated.  "She has thoroughly processed this adoption plan.  She is so different from other birth moms I've worked with.  I'm telling you, she is the cream of the crop as far as birth mothers go.  I was so impressed with her..."

"Paula, wait," I interrupted.  "Hold on."

Of course I wanted to hear about the meeting with Kendra, but I had an unsettling conversation earlier in the day with the attorney, and it needed to take priority.  Immediately.

"Look, Paula," I started.  "I spoke with Shelley [the adoption attorney] earlier.  She told me that Kendra has a friend spying on the biological father's Facebook page.  And that the biological father is saying all kinds of terrible things about Kendra, about how she messed up his life, and that he wants to kill himself.  I'm very concerned about this," I explained.  "Everyone has been telling me that Bobby [the biological father] doesn't want anything to do with the baby, but now this?"

Paula made a slight sound--an indication that she was listening and that I should continue.

"Shelley is adamant that the biological dad does not want the baby.  She said that if he really wanted the baby, he'd be taking legal action to stop the adoption, not posting stuff on his Facebook page.  Does this sound reasonable to you?" I asked.  "I wondered whether perhaps Bobby does not know what legal steps to take, but the attorney claims that the specific directions are in the papers she served him, as well as her phone number.  She says that if he really wanted to try and block the adoption, he could just pick up a phone and call her.  That he's just trying to hurt Kendra with all the Facebook posts."

I was anxious.  Tom was away at a work meeting, and the attorney, obviously, had not been a comfort.  

"Look, Jennifer," Paula said.  "I know how Shelley comes across at times and you just have to remember that she's an attorney.  She doesn't have the patience for all the emotional factors involved.  I get it.  But she's right," Paula stated.  "If Bobby wanted this child, he'd call Shelley.  And sign the putative father registry.  He's not doing any of the steps toward parenting this child.  He hasn't even given Kendra any money.  In order to establish paternity, he needs to demonstrate financial support during the pregnancy."

"What about the suicidal threats he's supposedly making on Facebook?" I asked.  "I've worked in an inpatient psychiatric hospital, Paula.  It's impossible for me to just dismiss a suicidal threat without any kind of clinical assessment."  

"I know this is all very dramatic and overwhelming," Paula agreed.  "But this is just how adoption is.  Biological families are dysfunctional and they tend to act out all over the place.  I do not believe this guy is suicidal, not at all.  It's all posturing.  He's just trying to save face with his family and friends.  It's what a lot of these guys do."

"Save face?" I asked.

"Yes," Paula continued.  "He doesn't want the baby.  But he's not going to admit that to his family and friends.  This way, he makes Kendra the villain and himself the victim.  He gets everyone's sympathy if he loses this baby to adoption.  And he's done nothing to challenge the adoption."

Bobby needed to do 3 things to contest the adoption:

1. Sign the putative father registry.
2. Submit a signed affidavit attesting to his ability to parent the child.
3. Send Kendra some money.

According to the adoption attorney, Bobby had failed to complete any of these three steps.  Moreover, if he didn't understand what he needed to do, he simply needed to call her for clarification.  Her contact information was all over the legal paperwork he'd been served over  a week earlier.

I was calming down, for sure, but being an obsessive-compulsive checker, I ran the whole Facebook drama past one of my best friends, Crystal.  Crystal is also a social worker, who, like Paula, does adoption home studies.  She's spent years working with kids in the foster care system too--and has seen more than her share of abuses.  She is 100 % ethical and devoted to the safety of everyone in all her cases.  I've listened to her vent her own frustration about 'the system' and know she will take every action necessary, including testifying in court, on behalf of her clients.  She is also an adult adoptee with a significant trauma history of her own.  She was adopted out of the foster care system at the age of five, but you'd never be able to tell.  She is a true survivor and a success story.  Her opinion is everything to me.

Crystal was in agreement with Paula:

"It does sound like the bio dad is just saving face with his friends and family.  Obviously, you cannot know anything for sure, but given all the information we have, it's pretty clear he's not interested in fathering this child," Crystal explained.  "But," Crystal warned, "I think you need to go into this with a different frame of mind.  You need to start thinking of this as a foster-adopt placement, because the birth dad has not signed off on the paperwork.  And until his 30 days are up, you and Tom are officially a foster family.  And no matter what is going to happen, you should just focus right now on giving this baby a safe place for her first weeks of life.  You and Tom and TJ and Sara are going to give this baby all the love she deserves, and even if the adoption falls through, you will always know in your heart that you gave her at least that."

Crystal and Paula were probably right, but I logged onto Facebook anyway, and tried to access Bobby's profile page.  Though his pictures were public, his wall was limited to friends only.  Again, his profile picture made me shiver.  But it was worse than the first time I had looked.  Before, he was pictured holding the dead corpse of a deer he'd obviously hunted, but now, the photo had been cropped.  He had cut himself out of the picture.  In fact, most of the deer was gone too.  All that remained was the animal's head:  its vacant eyes, the blood gushing from its mouth, the stained fur.

*** 

I could not stop myself from projecting every conceivable emotion, image, idea, etc. onto the biological parents.  They were mysterious, heartbreaking, terrifying, unknown lurking variables in this complicated equation of adoption.  And while I tended to thrust relational paradigms upon Kendra, I thought of Bobby, the bio dad, as some quantitative entity in my mind--like a pie graph.  Since I had absolutely no direct knowledge of him, I saw him as one giant circle cut into parts representing numerical possibilities.  I figured it was a 50/50 chance that he wanted to father the baby.  Out of the half a chance that he did indeed want to father the child, I divided this region in two parts (to account for possible reasons why he had not taken any legal action thus far).  According to my mental diagram, he was 1/2 deadbeat bio dad or 1/2 victim himself:  

The green half--Truly No Interest in Baby--requires no additional explanation.


The red quarter--Victim of Kendra Lying About Him:

Maybe he had sent Kendra money but she was lying?  

The orange quarter--Victim of Confusing Legal System:

Perhaps Bobby was struggling to decode the legal documents?  It seemed plausible that the man might be overwhelmed by the legal process and not have the resources to help him navigate the system.  

I mean, what the hell is a putative father registry?  I'd certainly never heard of one.  Where does one sign it?  Does one learn about it in public school?  Maybe the government gives you a pamphlet about it when you register to vote?  Or get your driver's license?  


Nowadays, it's not enough just to make the baby.  At least not for the man.  


If you:

1. Are male
2. And have had intercourse with a female in the last 9 months
3. And are not married to said female
4. And could have fathered a child
5. And even if you're not sure
6. And even if it was a one night stand
7. And even if you don't know said female's real name
8. And if you don't want your maybe baby adopted out

THEN...STOP READING THIS BLOG IMMEDIATELY!  AND GO SIGN THE PUTATIVE FATHER REGISTRY.


Of course, you'll need to know where to go sign--it's not so well advertised.  And God forbid your baby is getting adopted in a different state, then first you have to figure out which state.  Good luck getting that all accomplished in a short time frame.


Good luck indeed.

# 19: SHAME, GUILT & PLAIN OLD SELF-LOATHING

PAGE # 19

Thursday

12/8/11
12:50 pm


The social worker arrived ten minutes early.  I was in my bedroom when I heard TJ, our 16 year old, open the front door.  I hurried into the foyer and introduced myself.  

"It's great to meet you, Paula."  I offered her water and led her to the dining room table.  "My husband ought to be home in a few minutes.  Should we wait for him?"

"I need to interview each of you anyway, so we can just start with you first," Paula suggested.

"What about me?" TJ asked.  "You need to interview me too, right?"  

 "Sure," Paula replied.  

 "I was in the delivery room when my sister, Sara, was born," TJ explained.  "And I've been helping take care of her ever since.  Especially when my dad has to travel for work.  That's when she really looks up to me like a father.  So, you see, I'm not just a brother--I'm my dad's understudy!"

"Well, then, I definitely need a full interview with you too," Paula smiled at TJ.

"Okay then, let me know when you need me!" TJ went to his room.

I liked Paula immediately.  She was warm and friendly, easy to speak with, and had a quick sense of humor.  She thoughtfully answered my questions and I never felt judged.  She was able to interact in a way that was personable and engaging, but still maintained appropriate boundaries.  

"How do I know Kendra really wants to do this?" I asked.

"Well, you can never know for sure.  There are birth moms who change their minds after delivery."

"No, I mean, how can I know she isn't being coerced into this by her husband or in laws?"

"That's part of my job, Jennifer," Paula assured me.  "After I leave here today, I'll be scheduling an appointment with Kendra too.  I'll be making sure that this is her plan, and that no coercion has taken place." 

"It's just that I don't understand why she is doing this," I explained.  "I mean, I'm so happy she picked us.  But I can't understand why she is doing this, so it just seems like maybe someone is forcing her into this?  You'll make sure and get back to me?"

Paula nodded.  "Yes, I will make sure.  I won't be able to share what Kendra talks about specifically.  That part is confidential.  Just as I am here to help you and your husband through this, I'm here to support and counsel Kendra as well," Paula said.  "But I can give you my overall general  impressions, just not the specifics."

I was comforted on multiple levels:  Paula would be looking out for Kendra's needs and providing support.  I was grateful that Paula would investigate whether Kendra's decision was self-initiated.  And...I trusted her because she promised not to breach confidentiality or make ethical violations.  This was in great contrast to the attorney, who had already revealed the birth father's identity to me.  I am not the kind of person who likes getting information on the sly; in fact, such proceedings induce anxiety in me and disable my ability to trust.


Tom arrived soon thereafter and Paula completed all the forms pertaining to each of us.  We had to answer questions about our financial capacity to support another child.  Provide information about our own families of origin.  The kind of stuff I expected.  Toward the end of the home study, after these more concrete details were ironed out, we had time to explore the psychological impact this adoption process was taking on us.  One of us, probably me, brought up our rescue fantasy:

"We just keep thinking that maybe we should be helping Kendra to realize she should keep her baby," I shared.  "I know that sounds crazy, and I know we are totally projecting stuff here, but I think we just feel so bad for Kendra."

Paula remained quiet.  She waited for me to continue.

"We just don't know how we can take her baby away from her!  How can we take home her baby and cause her so much pain?"  

The social worker looked me straight in the face and said:

"Jennifer, this is not your decision.  You and Tom are not making Kendra place this baby for adoption.  This is Kendra's decision.  And you are right--it is likely to cause her pain.  But she initiated this process--not you.  She needs you to be there for her baby.  To honor her decision.  To know that you are going to love her baby and take care of her baby.  That's what is most going to help her through this process."

I considered what Paula was saying.  What was I feeling just then?  Looking back, I think it was shame.  I was so worried about someone else manipulating Kendra into the adoption plan, I myself had completely failed to respect her very autonomy.  In fact, I was practically ready to talk her out of what was probably the most difficult decision of her life!  How could we have been so condescending and judgmental?  So self righteous?  


Paula seemed to read my mind:

"There's nothing wrong with your feelings.  Adoption is complicated.  It's normal to feel bad for the birth mother, even to feel guilty that you are getting a baby due to someone's crisis situation.  But you need to be able to love that baby, without any guilt over this.  I think once you have the baby in your arms, Jennifer, you are going to feel more empowered."

I felt like I needed to sleep for 100 years. 

"I hear you, Paula, I do," I said.  "It's a lot to process in such a short time.  We had talked about adoption, but we weren't even trying to adopt when this opportunity fell in our lap.  Exactly one week ago today, I thought I was going to Disney next week, not bringing home a new baby."

The social worker agreed:

"That is highly unusual.  People are usually waiting for a long time," Paula said.  "The other thing, too, Jennifer, is that you have two biological children.  Some adoptive families have never had a biological child.  But you have.  You know how hard this is going to be for Kendra.  And also," Paula continued, "a lot of adoptive families have already suffered through years of infertility and failed adoptions.  They've suffered so much loss, they might not be thinking about the birth mother as much as that they just want a baby.  It's going to be different for you.  You don't have that type of desperation."

Out of all the reasons we had hoped to adopt, desperation was not one of them.  But this too left me feeling somewhat guilty.  Like I was stealing someone's long awaited child.  I felt bad to take the baby from Kendra.  I felt bad to take the baby away from all the childless couples who were waiting for years.  I was having a hard time feeling good about any of this. 


My husband, on the other hand, had much more positive coping mechanisms.  After Paula left, he grabbed my hands and said:

"You need to stop doubting everything.  We are good people and we are a great family and this baby deserves the best life.  We need to start getting ready for our new daughter.  We've had our share of hard things to deal with, that's for sure.  Maybe we deserve to be lucky once in a while."

And that was the moment I started to let myself fall in love with Baby Lily.