# 45: JENNIFER'S LETTERS

PAGE # 45

Saturday
7/28/12
Late Afternoon


Dear Jennifer of December 2011,


I am writing from the future too late, but lost time is no excuse for further procrastination. And though this note cannot stop the events as they pertained to the adoption of Baby Lily, well then, perhaps it can prevent some other ignorant prospective adoptive parent from falling prey to similar grievances.


Jennifer!


You will not believe what I am about to tell you:  After so much worry as to whether Kendra was getting coerced into an adoption plan, YOU will feel coerced into an adoption plan.


A few hours after Baby Lily's birth, Kendra will tell you alleged stories about the birth father and you will become frightened of him.  You will believe these stories without question, at least for some time, because they will help you reconcile your own ideas about motherhood (how could anyone give up her baby?) with Kendra's decision (giving up baby equals saving baby).  Without Kendra's tale of terror, it will be near impossible for you to fathom Kendra's choice of adoption for her newborn.    


Unfortunately, as the tale of terror convinces you that Kendra has a valid reason for choosing adoption, the tale of terror will also terrorize you.  You will feel manipulated and lied to, as the adoption attorney certainly did not depict the birth father to be quite as threatening as Kendra will describe.


You will feel bad for both Kendra and her baby and want to help them, but you will also feel some resentment toward the whole situation--you, who have worked so hard to overcome a family history of abuse, will find yourself thrown into the domestic violence drama of total strangers.  You will want to run away, but because you made a commitment to Kendra and her baby, you will feel trapped.  A potentially dangerous and definitely volatile situation will collide with your otherwise quiet domestic life, and you will feel obligated to accept it into your arms, your home, your very heart.


You will be blindsided because you will have focused too much on Kendra's well being.  You will fail to consider your own vulnerability.  No--you will consider it, but far too briefly.


You will feel like you must take care of Kendra's baby, even though the situation with the birth father scares you.  You will feel like it's too late to back out.  And you will want to protect Baby Lily from any danger.  


You will take Baby Lily home and you will love her.  And even after that, the adoption attorney will victimize your entire family with more lies, manipulation, and emotional blackmail.  You will have to make very hard decisions without ever knowing the truth.  You will be morally tested and it will hurt.


You will wish it never happened at all.  


But it will happen.


And though it will be too late for this letter, you will write it anyway.


In fact, it will be too late for all of you.  At least one person will become lost.  And at least one person will not survive.  Your own brush with grief will be minimal, relatively speaking.


It will happen.


You must write of it.


Sincerely,
Jennifer of this very moment in time

# 23: TOUGH & TABOO TOPICS

PAGE # 23

Sunday

12/11/11

Mid-afternoon

TJ, our 16 year old, looked miserable.  

"What if I don't love the new baby as much as I love Sara?" he asked me.

"You mean because she's not going to be your biological sister?  Or just because you don't know if you can ever love another sister as much as Sara?"

TJ looked down.  "The first thing.  But I feel really bad about it."

"Honey," I said.  "Remember when I was pregnant with Sara?  Well, I was worried I wouldn't love her as much as I already loved you.  But when she was born, my heart just grew bigger."

"Yeah," TJ said.  "But this is still different."  

"Well, that's true.  It is very different."  

"And Gordon said something really awful about the baby.  It's so mean, I don't even know if I should tell you!"

Gordon was a waiter at one of our favorite restaurants.  

"I don't want you to get upset!" TJ exclaimed. 

TJ was pacing back and forth, something he always does when he's angry or frustrated.  He inherited this trait from Tom.  I, on the other hand, prefer to snuggle into a cozy spot with a pillow.

"Come on, sit down with me." I patted the couch.

TJ stopped pacing but he didn't sit.  He explained what had happened at lunch:

"Dad told Gordon about the adoption, and at first he seemed real nice about it.  But then, when Dad went to the bathroom, Gordon said that adopting the baby would be like buying a kid at Babies R' Us!  And that it was good because at least if we didn't like the baby--we could always return her!"

I wanted to punch Gordon.  

"And there's more!" TJ continued.  "This old lady was there, at the table right next to me, and she heard it too.  Even she yelled at Gordon that he was nasty!"  TJ finally collapsed onto the sofa.  I patted his back.  "And now I'm worried that we won't love the baby.  All because of that stupid Gordon!"

"That was a terrible thing to say to you.  And cowardly too," I added.  "He probably wouldn't say that in front of me or your dad, but I'm sure he realized you'd come and tell us."

Gordon's assault violated the humanity of everyone impacted by this adoption.  I thought of the baby and her already tragic beginning.  Of Kendra and her two little boys.  Of my two children who were trying to navigate the unexpected arrival of a little sister who would not share their genetic make-up.  Of my best friend, Crystal, who was adopted at the age of five after living in multiple foster homes, including an institutional setting.  


But although Gordon had made a terrible comment, it did give TJ an opportunity to bring up a taboo subject--would love for an adopted member of the family be the same as for a biological member?  I bet most people do wonder about it, even if it's not the politically correct thing to discuss openly.


TJ had other worries too: 

"And the other day, someone asked me what we're going to do if the mom wants the baby back?  What if we fall in love with the baby and then we have to give her back?  Then what?"

"That is something that I warned you about," I admitted.  "It's a possibility because the birth father hasn't signed off on the paperwork."

"So, he might take the baby away?" TJ asked.

"No, honey," I said.  "If the biological dad contests the adoption, then Kendra is going to take the baby back.  But she is adamant that the dad wants nothing to do with the baby."

"But what if Kendra decides that she wants her baby back?  Jim said she can't get the baby back after she leaves the hospital.  That the law in our state is really protective of adoptive families."

"TJ," I explained.  "Just because something is legal doesn't mean it's right.  If we take the baby home, and then Kendra changes her mind the next day, we will definitely give her the baby back."

"But what if she changes her mind a month later?"

"I think we would return the baby and hope to be included in their lives in the future."

"But what if she wants the baby back in a year from now?  Two years from now?"

"I think that would be different," I said.

"So, at what point in time do we know that it's okay to keep the baby, even if Kendra wants her back?"

"I don't know, honey."  And I really didn't.

TJ posed an excellent, if challenging, question.  There's always debate around contemporary moral issues and where to draw the line.  I was stumped.  But only on a philosophical level because I strongly believed that Kendra would be keeping this baby.

"It's really hard for me," TJ said again.  "Because how am I supposed to let myself get attached to her if I don't know if I am going to lose her?"

Another good question.

"And I feel like I'm not as important in the process either.  Like with Sara, I came to the ultrasounds and stuff.  But now, you and dad are talking about Kendra, and I haven't even met her."

"You're right, TJ, you are," I admitted.  "I want you to meet Kendra.  But I also don't want to intrude on Kendra's privacy.  I don't even know if she ever wants to talk to me again," I said.  "I'll ask the social worker about this tomorrow.  I'm sorry, honey, but that's the best I can give you right now.  I have a lot to think about too."

TJ seemed okay after our talk, at least for that evening.  I was definitely worried about him and Sara.  About what kind of impact this adoption would have on them.  During our home study, I had brought it up with Paula, the social worker.  What if we took a baby home, and then had to return her?  Was it fair to the two kids we already had to take such a risk?


The social worker had been super encouraging:

"Your kids are at the two perfect ages for this.  Sara is only two--she's not going to understand or remember any of this if the adoption doesn't work out.  And what an amazing opportunity this is going to be for your teenager!  Whatever happens, he is going to witness his parents doing a wonderful thing for a baby.  And for a birth mother in a very bad situation.  He's old enough to handle this and your little one is young enough."

Paula seemed to know what she was talking about.  She never even hesitated when I posed tough questions.  Adoption was her area of expertise.  And even though adoption was not my clinical specialty, I used to practice psychotherapy as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker.  We had the same degree in common.  Talking with Paula was like finding another American when lost in some foreign land.  The attorney was horrible, but Paula seemed to speak my language.  So, I trusted her.  Simple as that.

# 13: THE FEAR FACTOR

PAGE # 13

Tuesday

12/6/11

Just Before Bed

My husband did not like the Facebook connection between me and bio dad either. 


"Wait, there's more," I said.  "You have to see the pictures I found.  All with knives and guns and..."


Tom shook his head.  "No, I don't want to see it.  Don't show me."


"Don't you care?"


"I don't want to see him.  I don't need to know what he looks like," Tom explained.


"But he looks scary!" I cried.  "I need to show you."


Tom still refused to look.  So I started talking.  A lot.


"He won't sign off on the adoption paperwork!  It says in this packet, right here," I pointed at the exact page, "that he is aware of the pregnancy and that he does not support the adoption plan."


"But the attorney already told us that he has no rights to this baby because he's not the legal spouse," Tom argued.


"Honey," I pleaded.  "I don't care about the law.  Because how do I know if he cares about the law?  We could take this baby home and be looking over our shoulders for the rest of our lives.  We can't do that!  We can't do that to Sara and TJ!  I'm going to be stressed out about our safety forever!  If this guy is against the adoption and wants this baby..."


"You're right," Tom finally agreed.


"And we already know that he punched the birth mother in the stomach during her pregnancy!  He is being prosecuted for beating her up!  There are multiple restraining orders against him!" I continued.


"You're right," Tom repeated.


"And you should see his Facebook pictures!  All guns and knives and..."


"Babe, I already agreed with you.  Calm down."


I let go of the adoption papers.  They fell to the floor.


"It's just too much anxiety for me to handle," I continued.  "This guy lives close by.  If birth mom is so afraid of him, then maybe we should be too."


"You're totally right," Tom said.  "I'm not going to put the family I already have at risk.  This is obviously a bad guy.  I feel bad for the baby and the birth mom, but this is not our problem.  We want to grow our family, of course we do, but not like this."


I took a deep breath.  I was already thinking about trying to reinstate our Disney reservations.  I had cancelled our vacation, but now that we were opting out of this adoption thing, I was ready to move on with our original holiday plans.  Then I remembered that we had an appointment with the attorney and Kendra, the birth mother, at 11 am the following morning.


"We need to cancel with the lawyer," I told Tom.  "But it's too late to call."


"Send her an email," he instructed.  "Do it right now, so she gets it first thing in the morning.  And I need to cancel the appointment we made with the social worker.  For the home study tomorrow afternoon."


I quickly wrote the email to the attorney while Tom wrote to the social worker.


I sent the email to the attorney at precisely 10:53 that night.  The email read as follows:

Shelley,

Tom and I have taken the last several hours to discuss this adoption opportunity.  While we are so excited about the prospect of adopting this baby girl, we explored our sincere feelings regarding the circumstances of the birth father.  While we are fully confident that you would overcome the obstacle of the birth father, we had to admit that the ambiguity was simply too anxiety provoking for us.  We were so focused on the concrete tasks at hand, given the urgency of the adoption; truly, we apologize to you and Kendra.  

Please send us the invoice and we will send payment for your consultation.  It was lovely meeting you and we pray that this baby finds the perfect home.

Warm regards,

Jennifer & Tom

We were exhausted and already in bed, but we waited up, just for another 20 minutes or so, to see if the attorney would confirm receipt of our cancellation.  

"You know what else I don't get," Tom rolled toward me.  "I don't get why Kendra's husband is making her give away this baby.  I mean, if he's trying to reconcile with her, how can he make her give up her own baby?  They weren't even together when she got pregnant."

"I guess he doesn't want to raise some other guy's kid?" I speculated.

"Then he's a jerk too.  I would never make you give away your own baby.  If he really loved her, he'd raise the baby as his own."

I had a new (and terrible) thought:

"Oh my God!  Maybe she was raped!"

"What are you talking about?" Tom asked.

"I'm thinking that maybe this baby is a product of rape.  We know that her and her husband already have two kids.  And that they are still together.  And that bio dad is being criminally prosecuted.  I'm just saying, it is possible she was raped.  And that's why they're not keeping the baby.  The attorney did make a point of saying that Kendra is totally against abortion.  It would explain a lot.  Poor Kendra."

Tom was thinking.  


"Well, what does it matter anyhow?" he asked.  "We wouldn't want to get involved with a rape case either.  You'd be even more terrified."

"Yeah, true."

"Let's go to sleep, babe."

"Okay, just one sec."  

It was too late to phone my mother, so I sent her a text message to let her know we were calling off the adoption.  We would tell the kids in the morning.  Sara was too little to understand and TJ already thought we were nuts.  What was one more swing of the pendulum?    

I kissed Tom goodnight.  "Sweet dreams babe."

Then, I checked my email for the last time before hitting the pillow.  There was no reply from the attorney.  Not yet anyhow.  By the time the lawyer wrote back, we were long asleep.