# 24: HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE PUTATIVE FATHER REGISTRY?

WAKE UP DAD!
There's a man at the door who says you forgot to sign the putative father registry.
And now some weird family is gonna come and adopt me!

PAGE # 24

Monday

12/12/11

2:30 pm

"Jennifer!  Hi, it's Paula." 

 The social worker sounded enthusiastic.  I could practically hear the smile on her face.  I moved into the living room, the only spot in my house with decent cell phone signal. 

"Hi Paula," I replied.

"I just left my meeting with Kendra and Johnny.  Jennifer, I have to tell you, I believe she is going through with this," Paula stated.  "She has thoroughly processed this adoption plan.  She is so different from other birth moms I've worked with.  I'm telling you, she is the cream of the crop as far as birth mothers go.  I was so impressed with her..."

"Paula, wait," I interrupted.  "Hold on."

Of course I wanted to hear about the meeting with Kendra, but I had an unsettling conversation earlier in the day with the attorney, and it needed to take priority.  Immediately.

"Look, Paula," I started.  "I spoke with Shelley [the adoption attorney] earlier.  She told me that Kendra has a friend spying on the biological father's Facebook page.  And that the biological father is saying all kinds of terrible things about Kendra, about how she messed up his life, and that he wants to kill himself.  I'm very concerned about this," I explained.  "Everyone has been telling me that Bobby [the biological father] doesn't want anything to do with the baby, but now this?"

Paula made a slight sound--an indication that she was listening and that I should continue.

"Shelley is adamant that the biological dad does not want the baby.  She said that if he really wanted the baby, he'd be taking legal action to stop the adoption, not posting stuff on his Facebook page.  Does this sound reasonable to you?" I asked.  "I wondered whether perhaps Bobby does not know what legal steps to take, but the attorney claims that the specific directions are in the papers she served him, as well as her phone number.  She says that if he really wanted to try and block the adoption, he could just pick up a phone and call her.  That he's just trying to hurt Kendra with all the Facebook posts."

I was anxious.  Tom was away at a work meeting, and the attorney, obviously, had not been a comfort.  

"Look, Jennifer," Paula said.  "I know how Shelley comes across at times and you just have to remember that she's an attorney.  She doesn't have the patience for all the emotional factors involved.  I get it.  But she's right," Paula stated.  "If Bobby wanted this child, he'd call Shelley.  And sign the putative father registry.  He's not doing any of the steps toward parenting this child.  He hasn't even given Kendra any money.  In order to establish paternity, he needs to demonstrate financial support during the pregnancy."

"What about the suicidal threats he's supposedly making on Facebook?" I asked.  "I've worked in an inpatient psychiatric hospital, Paula.  It's impossible for me to just dismiss a suicidal threat without any kind of clinical assessment."  

"I know this is all very dramatic and overwhelming," Paula agreed.  "But this is just how adoption is.  Biological families are dysfunctional and they tend to act out all over the place.  I do not believe this guy is suicidal, not at all.  It's all posturing.  He's just trying to save face with his family and friends.  It's what a lot of these guys do."

"Save face?" I asked.

"Yes," Paula continued.  "He doesn't want the baby.  But he's not going to admit that to his family and friends.  This way, he makes Kendra the villain and himself the victim.  He gets everyone's sympathy if he loses this baby to adoption.  And he's done nothing to challenge the adoption."

Bobby needed to do 3 things to contest the adoption:

1. Sign the putative father registry.
2. Submit a signed affidavit attesting to his ability to parent the child.
3. Send Kendra some money.

According to the adoption attorney, Bobby had failed to complete any of these three steps.  Moreover, if he didn't understand what he needed to do, he simply needed to call her for clarification.  Her contact information was all over the legal paperwork he'd been served over  a week earlier.

I was calming down, for sure, but being an obsessive-compulsive checker, I ran the whole Facebook drama past one of my best friends, Crystal.  Crystal is also a social worker, who, like Paula, does adoption home studies.  She's spent years working with kids in the foster care system too--and has seen more than her share of abuses.  She is 100 % ethical and devoted to the safety of everyone in all her cases.  I've listened to her vent her own frustration about 'the system' and know she will take every action necessary, including testifying in court, on behalf of her clients.  She is also an adult adoptee with a significant trauma history of her own.  She was adopted out of the foster care system at the age of five, but you'd never be able to tell.  She is a true survivor and a success story.  Her opinion is everything to me.

Crystal was in agreement with Paula:

"It does sound like the bio dad is just saving face with his friends and family.  Obviously, you cannot know anything for sure, but given all the information we have, it's pretty clear he's not interested in fathering this child," Crystal explained.  "But," Crystal warned, "I think you need to go into this with a different frame of mind.  You need to start thinking of this as a foster-adopt placement, because the birth dad has not signed off on the paperwork.  And until his 30 days are up, you and Tom are officially a foster family.  And no matter what is going to happen, you should just focus right now on giving this baby a safe place for her first weeks of life.  You and Tom and TJ and Sara are going to give this baby all the love she deserves, and even if the adoption falls through, you will always know in your heart that you gave her at least that."

Crystal and Paula were probably right, but I logged onto Facebook anyway, and tried to access Bobby's profile page.  Though his pictures were public, his wall was limited to friends only.  Again, his profile picture made me shiver.  But it was worse than the first time I had looked.  Before, he was pictured holding the dead corpse of a deer he'd obviously hunted, but now, the photo had been cropped.  He had cut himself out of the picture.  In fact, most of the deer was gone too.  All that remained was the animal's head:  its vacant eyes, the blood gushing from its mouth, the stained fur.

*** 

I could not stop myself from projecting every conceivable emotion, image, idea, etc. onto the biological parents.  They were mysterious, heartbreaking, terrifying, unknown lurking variables in this complicated equation of adoption.  And while I tended to thrust relational paradigms upon Kendra, I thought of Bobby, the bio dad, as some quantitative entity in my mind--like a pie graph.  Since I had absolutely no direct knowledge of him, I saw him as one giant circle cut into parts representing numerical possibilities.  I figured it was a 50/50 chance that he wanted to father the baby.  Out of the half a chance that he did indeed want to father the child, I divided this region in two parts (to account for possible reasons why he had not taken any legal action thus far).  According to my mental diagram, he was 1/2 deadbeat bio dad or 1/2 victim himself:  

The green half--Truly No Interest in Baby--requires no additional explanation.


The red quarter--Victim of Kendra Lying About Him:

Maybe he had sent Kendra money but she was lying?  

The orange quarter--Victim of Confusing Legal System:

Perhaps Bobby was struggling to decode the legal documents?  It seemed plausible that the man might be overwhelmed by the legal process and not have the resources to help him navigate the system.  

I mean, what the hell is a putative father registry?  I'd certainly never heard of one.  Where does one sign it?  Does one learn about it in public school?  Maybe the government gives you a pamphlet about it when you register to vote?  Or get your driver's license?  


Nowadays, it's not enough just to make the baby.  At least not for the man.  


If you:

1. Are male
2. And have had intercourse with a female in the last 9 months
3. And are not married to said female
4. And could have fathered a child
5. And even if you're not sure
6. And even if it was a one night stand
7. And even if you don't know said female's real name
8. And if you don't want your maybe baby adopted out

THEN...STOP READING THIS BLOG IMMEDIATELY!  AND GO SIGN THE PUTATIVE FATHER REGISTRY.


Of course, you'll need to know where to go sign--it's not so well advertised.  And God forbid your baby is getting adopted in a different state, then first you have to figure out which state.  Good luck getting that all accomplished in a short time frame.


Good luck indeed.

# 15: HOW WE ENDED UP FACE TO FACE WITH OUR BIRTH MOTHER: WORMHOLES & OTHER THEORIES

PAGE # 15

Wednesday

12/7/11

9:15 am

When Tom answered the adoption attorney's phone call that morning, I was certain of two things:

1. I hated the attorney.  She was Satan with a bad, blond makeover.
2. I was afraid of the birth father.  He was Satan too.  He killed animals and posted their bloody corpses online as his profile picture.

While different world religions have argued for and against monotheism (the belief in one and only one God), I've always worried more about the ontology of evil.  Is there just one Satan?  Or many?  

Clearly, I had uncovered the existence of two (at least two!) Satans.  

Therefore, how can any reasonable person explain what happened next?  


Tom and I not only reversed our decision to back away from this adoption, but by 11:00 am, that very same morning, we were face-to-face with a pregnant woman!  It just doesn't make sense.  It's unfathomable.  


Even as I write this, I am sure I suffered some serious insult to my brain that, in turn, also impacted my autobiographical memory.  I have retrograde amnesia.  I cannot claim to recall, for sure, how we traveled from a definite "NO WAY!" to a meeting with Kendra, the biological mother, in a mere few hours.  

But, I do have some theories:

1. There was a wormhole in my house that day.  We got sucked in and it dumped us out at the attorney's office.
2. Tom and I were suffering from a severe form of insanity that targeted us both.  Simultaneously.  
3. Perhaps a third Satan (a lurking variable of unknown identity!) brought us there.

But the truth, at least the murky pieces I'm able to remember, is not so sensational.  It was really very simple.  We ignored our gut instincts; we stopped thinking rationally.  We succumbed to temptation when Shelley, the attorney, said:

"Just come meet the birth mother.  You don't have to decide anything yet.  But this is a once in a lifetime opportunity if you are really hoping to adopt.  You guys are new to the adoption process and you don't know it this moment, but two or three years from now, you are going to regret it, if you just walk away, without even meeting Kendra first.  Just come meet her.  Then make your decision."

We stopped thinking about our (more my) personal distaste for the attorney.  We exorcised all images of scary bio dad from our heads.  We opted for hope instead.  We chose life.  We settled on a baby!  We decided to get a little adventurous.

After all, isn't every adoption bound to be filled with drama and uncertainty?  Babies aren't given away to complete strangers because things are, well, to put it bluntly, happening under normal circumstances. 

We dressed quickly (no time to ponder a wardrobe change!) and set out to meet our Baby Mama!

# 13: THE FEAR FACTOR

PAGE # 13

Tuesday

12/6/11

Just Before Bed

My husband did not like the Facebook connection between me and bio dad either. 


"Wait, there's more," I said.  "You have to see the pictures I found.  All with knives and guns and..."


Tom shook his head.  "No, I don't want to see it.  Don't show me."


"Don't you care?"


"I don't want to see him.  I don't need to know what he looks like," Tom explained.


"But he looks scary!" I cried.  "I need to show you."


Tom still refused to look.  So I started talking.  A lot.


"He won't sign off on the adoption paperwork!  It says in this packet, right here," I pointed at the exact page, "that he is aware of the pregnancy and that he does not support the adoption plan."


"But the attorney already told us that he has no rights to this baby because he's not the legal spouse," Tom argued.


"Honey," I pleaded.  "I don't care about the law.  Because how do I know if he cares about the law?  We could take this baby home and be looking over our shoulders for the rest of our lives.  We can't do that!  We can't do that to Sara and TJ!  I'm going to be stressed out about our safety forever!  If this guy is against the adoption and wants this baby..."


"You're right," Tom finally agreed.


"And we already know that he punched the birth mother in the stomach during her pregnancy!  He is being prosecuted for beating her up!  There are multiple restraining orders against him!" I continued.


"You're right," Tom repeated.


"And you should see his Facebook pictures!  All guns and knives and..."


"Babe, I already agreed with you.  Calm down."


I let go of the adoption papers.  They fell to the floor.


"It's just too much anxiety for me to handle," I continued.  "This guy lives close by.  If birth mom is so afraid of him, then maybe we should be too."


"You're totally right," Tom said.  "I'm not going to put the family I already have at risk.  This is obviously a bad guy.  I feel bad for the baby and the birth mom, but this is not our problem.  We want to grow our family, of course we do, but not like this."


I took a deep breath.  I was already thinking about trying to reinstate our Disney reservations.  I had cancelled our vacation, but now that we were opting out of this adoption thing, I was ready to move on with our original holiday plans.  Then I remembered that we had an appointment with the attorney and Kendra, the birth mother, at 11 am the following morning.


"We need to cancel with the lawyer," I told Tom.  "But it's too late to call."


"Send her an email," he instructed.  "Do it right now, so she gets it first thing in the morning.  And I need to cancel the appointment we made with the social worker.  For the home study tomorrow afternoon."


I quickly wrote the email to the attorney while Tom wrote to the social worker.


I sent the email to the attorney at precisely 10:53 that night.  The email read as follows:

Shelley,

Tom and I have taken the last several hours to discuss this adoption opportunity.  While we are so excited about the prospect of adopting this baby girl, we explored our sincere feelings regarding the circumstances of the birth father.  While we are fully confident that you would overcome the obstacle of the birth father, we had to admit that the ambiguity was simply too anxiety provoking for us.  We were so focused on the concrete tasks at hand, given the urgency of the adoption; truly, we apologize to you and Kendra.  

Please send us the invoice and we will send payment for your consultation.  It was lovely meeting you and we pray that this baby finds the perfect home.

Warm regards,

Jennifer & Tom

We were exhausted and already in bed, but we waited up, just for another 20 minutes or so, to see if the attorney would confirm receipt of our cancellation.  

"You know what else I don't get," Tom rolled toward me.  "I don't get why Kendra's husband is making her give away this baby.  I mean, if he's trying to reconcile with her, how can he make her give up her own baby?  They weren't even together when she got pregnant."

"I guess he doesn't want to raise some other guy's kid?" I speculated.

"Then he's a jerk too.  I would never make you give away your own baby.  If he really loved her, he'd raise the baby as his own."

I had a new (and terrible) thought:

"Oh my God!  Maybe she was raped!"

"What are you talking about?" Tom asked.

"I'm thinking that maybe this baby is a product of rape.  We know that her and her husband already have two kids.  And that they are still together.  And that bio dad is being criminally prosecuted.  I'm just saying, it is possible she was raped.  And that's why they're not keeping the baby.  The attorney did make a point of saying that Kendra is totally against abortion.  It would explain a lot.  Poor Kendra."

Tom was thinking.  


"Well, what does it matter anyhow?" he asked.  "We wouldn't want to get involved with a rape case either.  You'd be even more terrified."

"Yeah, true."

"Let's go to sleep, babe."

"Okay, just one sec."  

It was too late to phone my mother, so I sent her a text message to let her know we were calling off the adoption.  We would tell the kids in the morning.  Sara was too little to understand and TJ already thought we were nuts.  What was one more swing of the pendulum?    

I kissed Tom goodnight.  "Sweet dreams babe."

Then, I checked my email for the last time before hitting the pillow.  There was no reply from the attorney.  Not yet anyhow.  By the time the lawyer wrote back, we were long asleep.

# 12: BIO DAD & ME: ONLY 3 DEGREES OF SEPARATION ON FACEBOOK

PAGE # 12


Tuesday

12/6/11

5:22 pm

I read through the document entitled Background Information on Prospective Adoptive Child.


The forms were completed by the birth mother, as indicated by her signature on the last page.  The majority of information included the known medical history on both sides of the baby's biological family, and thankfully, there was nothing significant.  Everyone from grandparents to cousins sounded healthy enough.


Of greater interest, at least to myself, included the following details (caveats?):

1. The birth mother, the birth father, and each of their respective extended families reside within a half hour of us.  That seemed a little too close for comfort.
2. The birth mother's dad (i.e. the maternal grandfather) is a private investigator.  I figured he already knew all about us.  From our credit rating to our SAT scores.
3. The birth dad did not look too good on paper (heavy drinker, dishonorable discharge from the marines, suspended driver's license, allegedly punched birth mom in stomach during pregnancy, etc.).  I wasn't sure what to fear more:  the man himself or his genetic code.  I considered all the craziness branching across my family tree, decided I turned out alright despite the DNA, and felt somewhat relieved.  I was, however, still a tad apprehensive about bio dad--the man himself--especially given the geographical proximity of our homes.

I tried to alleviate any paranoia by conducting a thorough investigation of my own; indeed, my Google search skills are quite impressive.  Although the last names of everybody noted in the paperwork were crossed out in heavy black ink, I was able to uncover bio dad's surname in a matter of minutes.  I will not bore the reader with the details of this process, but will reveal that Facebook made much of my sleuthing possible.  In fact, I even learned that bio dad's sister and I share a mutual friend on Facebook!


If the reader happens to know this author's identity, and moreover is a Facebook friend, then yes, it is possible that the mutual friend is YOU.  It's approximately a 1 in 375 chance.  Not great odds, but better than most.  Before you click back over to Facebook, ready to scroll down your friend list in a fit of curiosity, allow me to wrap up this post:


I found bio dad on Facebook and some other social networking sites.  Many of his pictures were open to the public.  In almost all of them, he was seen holding either a rifle or a hunting knife (a.k.a. before and after the slaughter pics).  I am aware that this is sport for a great lot of the American people.  But...


I ran to Tom.  I would definitely not say anything in front of the kids--no sense getting them nervous about what was probably just my tendency to overreact--But...


I told him, and not too quietly, "We need to talk.  Argue.  Whatever.  AGAIN!"

# 10: I HATE HER!

PAGE # 10


Tuesday

12/6/11

3:30 pm

Shelley, the adoption attorney, tried to move past the issue of the birth father:  

"We have a lot to accomplish in the next few days.  If this adoption is going to happen, you guys need fingerprints, criminal background checks, a home-study, and..."

"Hold on.  Hold on," I interrupted.  "I'm still not clear on the birth father part."  

"Does he want to father this baby?"  Tom asked.

Shelley rolled her eyes.  "Now, why would he want this baby?  According to the birth mom, he doesn't even have a job.  Why would he want to be saddled with child support payments?"

"Well, if it's his baby," I pondered, "maybe he'd want his own baby?"

"He'll never get this baby!"  Shelley practically scolded me.  "Under the law, he has no rights.  Pay attention, Jennifer!  I've already explained that."

Shelley tried to rein herself in.  She slowed down, smiled at my husband, and said, "Oh, your wife is getting so excited.  She's having a hard time keeping track of things."

Tom didn't reply.  His face was blank.  There was no evidence that he shared my impulse to get up, jump over the dying dog, and run for the exit.  


But Shelley tried a new strategy:


"Look, I'm not in this for the money.  This is a labor of love for me.  You have to meet my own adopted daughter.  My special needs daughter."


Shelley called out for a young woman.  I already knew the back-story; I had Googled this attorney prior to our meeting.  Shelley had adopted her daughter over twenty years ago, when no one else would.  Her daughter was born with fetal alcohol syndrome.  


"This is my daughter," Shelley introduced us.  "She works here in the office.  Today's her birthday."


"Happy Birthday," I said.  


"Nice to meet you," Tom added.


Shelley dismissed her daughter.


"That's why I was late for this meeting," Shelley explained.  "We were having birthday cake when you guys arrived."  


But she couldn't distract me:  


"I'm still trying to sort out the birth father thing.  What if you're wrong and he does want the baby?  You're saying he has no rights, but you also said that he could contest the adoption.  If he wants his baby..."


Shelley didn't let me finish.  Instead of talking this time, she handed me a piece of paper.


"That's the mug shot," Shelley said.  "Bio dad was arrested for beating up Kendra, the birth mother.  There were witnesses and everything.  She's pressing charges."


I studied the picture.  I saw the birth father's name.


"Am I supposed to see his name?" I asked.


"You're not going to tell anybody you saw that," Shelley instructed.


I tried to commit his name to memory, so I could Google him later, but I was too troubled by the attorney's unethical manner.  


If this attorney was untrustworthy, I did not want to work with her.  I waited patiently for the meeting to end, barely hearing the long list of tasks we'd have to complete in order to move forward.  Tom, on the other hand, was on top of everything; he made a list and kept track of all documents and paperwork.  An appointment was made for a social worker to come do our home-study the next morning.  We would meet the birth mother the following afternoon.  


I must have been having an outer body experience when all this appointment making occurred; truly, I cannot even recall leaving the attorney's building.  I've tried but my memory always skips ahead to the drive home.  


"I hate her.  Let's forget it," I told Tom.


"Oh come on babe.  She's a lawyer," he argued.  "We can't reject an innocent baby because of the lawyer."

# 9: WHOSE SPERM IS IT ANYWAY?

PAGE # 9


Tuesday

12/6/11

3:00 pm

The attorney was running late.  Tom and I waited in a cozy room filled with toys and baby pictures.  There was a wooden rocking horse, some dolls, a collection of old-fashioned looking playthings.  I noticed a picture of our friends' adopted son, Ricky, hanging in a few spots.

When Shelley finally appeared, she looked me in the eye, and said, "Oh my God.  You look just like her.  You really are the perfect family for this baby."

We sat down and waited for Shelley to give us more details about the adoption plan.  The birth mother. Anything.

A small dog rested on the rug beside Shelley's desk.  His breathing was labored.

"Is your dog alright?"  Tom asked.  "He doesn't sound very good."

Shelley nodded.  "He'll be fine.  Just his asthma again.  He's my rescue dog."

The dog looked nearly dead.  Shelley must have seen the confusion dart across my face:

"He's my adopted dog.  I rescued him," she clarified.

I tried to find a polite way to move the conversation onto the adoption.  Poor dog and all, but the attorney was charging $500 an hour.

"Did you ask Kendra if she's willing to meet us?"

"Yes, actually, yes, she is.  We can set that up for tomorrow."

The dog rolled over.  I could see saliva drooling off his jaw.

"You two must have done some real good in your lives," Shelley suggested.  "Because this is a rare opportunity.  The best sort of adoption situation."  She paused.  "But, I do need to mention the issue of the birth father."

Tom and I waited.

"Kendra is married, but not to the father of this baby.  Her and Johnny, the husband, were separated for some time.  She had a boyfriend, Bobby, and she's pretty certain this baby is his."

"Pretty certain?" Tom asked.

"Well, there's a slight chance the father is an Asian man.  But she only slept with him once and it doesn't quite add up with her due date."

"Are you saying that we need to do paternity testing?" I asked.

"No," Shelley almost shouted.  "Absolutely not.  The letter of the law states that no one can challenge the paternity of a baby conceived in wedlock."

I wasn't following.  The dog was breathing loudly and Shelley was talking rather fast.

"I don't understand."

"Look," Shelley explained.  "The birth father doesn't matter.  The state does not acknowledge any man as a father if he is not the lawful husband."

This was news to me.

"You mean, I could sleep with my neighbor, bear his kids, and Tom could claim them as his own?  Even if the neighbor tried to get custody?"  

"Exactly," Shelley stated.  "The biological father, in this situation, has no rights.  We don't even need his consent.  But, the law is a little gray in some respects, and just to be careful, I served the alleged biological father the adoption plan.  He has thirty days to contest it."

I struggled to make sense of this.  If the birth father had no rights, why would an attorney serve him papers?  If he could contest the adoption within a thirty day period, and if he did, wouldn't that be exercising his rights?