# 18: IF ADOPTION WERE A JIGSAW PUZZLE...

PAGE # 18

Wednesday

12/7/11
The Rest of the Day
(after meeting the biological mother)


Tom and I could find nothing unappealing about the birth mother or her husband.  In fact, we liked them.  We didn't want Kendra to give away her baby girl--even though we were hoping to adopt the very same baby! 


We each had a severe case of cognitive dissonance.  It hurt.  We probably should have done something fun for the rest of the day; instead, we treated the situation like a giant jigsaw puzzle.  If we could arrange all the pieces of information regarding this adoption into a coherent picture, then perhaps we would better understand our role in the grand scheme of it all:  Were we supposed to adopt this child (thank you Kendra!) or were we supposed to help Kendra keep her baby somehow?


Of course, putting the puzzle together was secondary to having the actual puzzle pieces.  We had some, lacked others, and a few didn't seem to fit into the picture at all.


THE PUZZLE PIECES WE HAD PRIOR TO MEETING KENDRA & JOHNNY:

1. Kendra was pregnant with a baby girl.  This child was not her husband's baby.  The baby was conceived while Kendra and her husband were officially separated.
2. The alleged birth father had been Kendra's boyfriend while she was separated from her husband.  They dated for several months.
3. Kendra broke up with bio dad.  This happened after bio dad allegedly assaulted her.
4. Kendra had a restraining order against bio dad and he had also been arrested for the alleged assault.

THE PUZZLE PIECES WE LACKED PRIOR TO MEETING KENDRA & JOHNNY:

1. Kendra was about to have this baby any day.  Why was she looking for a prospective adoptive family at the final hour?
2. Was placing the baby for adoption a condition of Johnny (the husband) reconciling with his wife?
3. Did bio dad have any interest in parenting this child?
4. Had the baby been exposed to alcohol/drugs during the pregnancy (perhaps this was why Kendra didn't want to parent the child?)

THE PUZZLE PIECES WE GRABBED DURING OUR MEETING WITH KENDRA & JOHNNY (i.e. the answers to the above questions):

1. Kendra claimed that she was not choosing adoption at the final hour.  She had hoped to place the baby with a relative.  This plan collapsed, according to Kendra, because said relative could not afford the necessary legal fees to formally adopt the baby.  Also, Kendra had started to feel uneasy about the prospect of seeing the baby at family holidays and events.  It might be too weird.  
2. Johnny claimed that he would raise the baby, alongside their other two children, if only they could afford to do so.  Since their income was dependent on Johnny's family business (Kendra's in-laws), it sounded as if there might be financial consequences if Johnny took back his wife and the baby.  At one point during the meeting, Kendra even stated that they would be placing this baby for adoption even if Johnny (the husband) was the father.  Even if there had been no break-up, no boyfriend, no other man involved in the baby's conception.
3. Kendra was adamant that bio dad did not want this baby.  But then she revealed that bio dad was making suicidal threats on Facebook because of the adoption plan.  She claimed this was an act; that he was "all talk."  She added that bio dad had insisted on an abortion, and when she refused to terminate the pregnancy, he became abusive.  At first verbally, then physically.  But he wasn't scary!  He was just a spoiled brat who liked to party.  And he was often drunk.
4. Kendra claimed she had stopped drinking alcohol and quit smoking when she realized she was pregnant (about 10 weeks).  She reassured us that her drinking was limited to "social drinking on the weekends only."

THE PUZZLE PIECES THAT DIDN'T SEEM TO FIT IN:

1. The claim that the baby was being placed for financial reasons, and for financial reasons alone, seemed strange.  Kendra and Johnny said they'd still be choosing adoption, even if the baby had been Johnny's child.  This seemed highly unlikely.  Kendra and Johnny came from financially stable (even well off) backgrounds.  Tom and I worried that Kendra was being coerced by her in laws (if not directly, then through Johnny).
2. Was bio dad really just a big immature goon?  If he had assaulted a pregnant woman, wasn't he pretty bad? 

THE PUZZLE PIECE WE LACKED COMPLETELY:

1. The biological father.  All we knew about him came from Kendra and the adoption attorney.  Johnny claimed he'd never met him; never even seen him.  What was bio dad's side of the story?  

The picture just didn't add up.  Ultimately, Tom and I could not understand why Kendra wanted to give away her baby girl.  We consulted our friends again--Tracey and Jim--the ones who had adopted (their son Ricky) only two years prior.

"You're never going to understand Kendra's decision," Jim told me.  "You're not in her situation and you don't even know all the details of her situation.  You only know what she's telling you and you'll never know how much of it is true, left out, or mere lies.  That's just how it is with adoption."

Tracey agreed with her husband.  "There is no perfect adoption," she said.  

I was uneasy until Tom reminded me of our rescheduled home study for the following day.  (In order for anyone to adopt in this country, they must be assessed and found competent by a licensed social worker.)

"Perhaps we'll feel better after we get a chance to process this with a mental health professional," Tom suggested.

I hoped so.  I was actually looking forward to the social worker's involvement, especially as I was once a clinical social worker myself.  I figured she might be the one trustworthy professional in this adoption business.